The Exhausted Dad: A hard lesson about teens and technology
My 13-year-old daughter strongly believed she was the only kid in her entire middle school without a cellphone.
Perhaps other phoneless kids existed. I never saw one. My daughter never saw one.
For most of seventh grade, my daughter complained to us about how everyone in a certain friend circle had an exclusive group chat, and that she was missing out on being a “true” member of the circle.
My wife and I didn’t want her to be socially ostracized. However, we also worried there could be dysfunction in the friend group that extended beyond the use of technology.
We honestly agonized over giving her a cellphone for her birthday this summer. We had hoped we could hold out until at least high school.
With strict expectations in place, we relented. We monitor the phone. We don’t allow her to have social media. She can’t use it after 8:30 p.m. and her access to data and the Internet remain significantly regulated.
For the rest of the summer, she used the phone in almost exclusively delightful ways. She video chatted regularly with her best friend who moved out of the area a few years ago. She tried multiple new languages on Duolingo to maintain a consistent multi-day streak. She listened to the “Hamilton” soundtrack at least 1,000 times. She knows all the words to “Guns and Ships!”
She also chatted occasionally with this “friend” circle … mostly harmless, goofball nonsense. At least until school started. Then came the drama. Then came the bullying.
As it turns out, the lack of technology was not the root of her issues with this friend circle. Kids like my daughter, as well as kids like many of your children out there, aren’t always an accepted flavor to a certain type of “popular” kid. In addition to having ADHD, my daughter doesn’t really know how to conform to “cool” conversations. When her friends wanted to talk makeup, my daughter would share random fun facts about monkeys.
My wife and I have long suspected that our daughter was gravitating to a friend group that didn’t seem to appreciate her personality. We noticed some red flags with some of these kids while seeing them interact with our daughter at school activities. It didn’t surprise us, then, to see text messages and group chats exacerbate the dynamics we observed in person.
I’m not here to judge other people’s kids. Honestly, I know my daughter isn’t perfect. She makes mistakes, says the wrong things, gets angry, etc. But she entered this Cellphone World several years after most of her peers. Above all else, the cruelty that kids are capable of has been shocking to her, and I blame myself for not preparing her adequately.
Ultimately, I’m glad she had the phone to see and experience the true dynamics of this friend circle, even though it came with tears and heartbreak. I know she has other good friends who respect her and accept her for who she is as a person. Still, there’s nothing quite as painful as watching one of your children suffer through something so genuinely hurtful and unjustified.
I might conclude that the drama we’ve experienced in our household the last few days is the result of teenagers and their undeveloped brains being exposed to the scientifically documented horrors of modern screen life. But honestly, it’s been a horror show for the rest of us as well. None of us are unscathed. A parent of a kid in this “friend” circle even felt compelled to personally show me where their kid learned all the colorful insults. Thanks for the unsolicited threats, (name redacted)!
Maybe technology rotted away all the decency in the world. Or maybe we should stop making excuses for crappy behavior and just be better.
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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, age 7-13. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.
The Exhausted Dad
