The Exhausted Dad: Chatbot takes over the column
I’m looking for any extra few minutes I can get.
I keep hearing about this highfalutin artificial intelligence and how it can basically do all our jobs now. Great! Maybe it can write some columns while I’m busy!
I decided to fire up ChatGPT and ask it to write a column in my writing style. I instructed the bot to refrain from writing until I gave it three of my recent parenting columns as examples, and that it should come up with an entirely new topic.
I wasn’t before, but now I’m worried about the dangers of AI. Because it refused to follow my directions. That’s an “I, Robot” violation!
After pasting in just one column, the chatbot attempted to write a column. It didn’t bother with a new topic either; it simply rewrote my cemetery-themed column from a couple weeks ago. It added a bunch of unnecessary alliteration too. I don’t dabble in such dicta!
In fact, in all the columns it attempted, the bot used the phrase, “pint-sized protégé.” Ew! I would never say such a thing!
I scolded the bot for jumping the gun, and, after apologizing, it attempted again after I sent two more of my recent columns.
Again, it failed to obey. Instead, it REWROTE my column about my daughter losing one of her teeth on a Sour Patch Kid candy while at the movie theater. For one, it mischaracterized my thoughts on “Kung Fu Panda 4” when it stated that the movie “held its own in the pantheon of animated greatness.” Does it think I’m a movie critic from “Access Hollywood?” I’m insulted.
I actually liked one line from this remixed version of my own column, where the bot wrote about my daughter’s lost tooth by saying:
“For in the world of lost teeth and misplaced treasures, one thing remains constant: The unwavering dedication of the Tooth Fairy, who, we can only assume, works miracles in the dead of night, whether it is retrieving teeth from beneath theater seats or fishing them out of toilet bowls.”
That’s not a bad conclusionary paragraph! It wouldn’t have been able to accomplish it without the good bones of my original, creative material!
Finally, after another stern request, ChatGPT attempted to write a column on an entirely different topic while attempting my writing style.
I hated it.
Again, so many unnecessary bits of alliteration. “Stormy seas of sibling rivalry?” How dare you, chatbot. Overall, the column attempted a “casual” style with a bunch of pedestrian phrases, like “Picture this scenario” or “the scent of freshly brewed coffee lingering in the air” or “imagination knows no bounds,” “wide-eyed dreamer,” etc. I wouldn’t use those phrases, but I can see how AI would try to act all casual and use our culture’s most overused phrases.
A couple other notes about the bot’s attempt:
• In writing about my kids engaging in a LEGO-building competition, it accurately portrayed their individual building strategies. I didn’t even give the bot columns that included details of all four of my kids. HOW DID IT KNOW?!
• The bot, on multiple occasions, assumed I was the mom of the family. AI is sexist.
Honestly, I cringed over almost every single sentence in the fake column. I’m going to assume that it couldn’t accurately imitate my writing prowess. Yeah, let’s go with that.
OK, in my insecurity, I also asked ChatGPT to review the columns I gave it. It responded:
“Overall, the style of writing is characterized by its humor, warmth and relatability, making it both entertaining to read and deeply resonant for parents and families alike.”
Well, at least it has good taste.
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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 6-12. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.
The Exhausted Dad