The Exhausted Dad: Road trip time checks – a failed experiment

All four of my kids understand time.

Three of the four understand the concepts of time as much as any adult of normal intelligence … meaning they can easily follow the plotlines of “Back to the Future” and “Avengers: Endgame.”

Get them in a car for a family road trip, however, and the kids suddenly lose all ability to process the passage of time.

On Memorial Day weekend, my wife attempted a new strategy to curb the constant inquiries about our travel.

Before we left the driveway, she turned on her phone GPS and made the following announcement:

“I’m not going to answer questions about how much longer we have on our trip. I will ignore the question every time. Instead, every 15 minutes, I will tell you how much longer.”

Oof. I certainly didn’t want such frequent updates. Personally, I feel the freeway already includes too many signs about the distance to upcoming towns. I don’t need a sign that reads, “Spokane: 120 miles,” then ANOTHER sign nine minutes later stating, “Spokane: 110 miles.” I can do that math myself.

I guess I’d rather have the 15-minute update if it meant the kids didn’t keep asking every five minutes.

We made this trip even easier for them. Total driving time: Two-and-a-half hours. That’s the equivalent of one average length children’s movie plus approximately seven individual episodes of “Bluey.”*

*We didn’t actually bring any devices for them to watch on the road. “It’s a short trip,” we thought. Amateur mistake.

Then we made it even easier. We left the house at EXACTLY noon.

“We will be there in two-and-a-half-hours. That’s 2:30! 2:30 p.m.! When will we be there? Let’s say it together … TWO. THIRTY.”

One kid replied: “But what if we run into traffic?”

Another kid: “Or if we have to go to the bathroom?”

Me: “No more questions! Mom will make an announcement every 15 minutes.”

The first 15 minutes passed without incident. “Two hours and 15 minutes to go!” The kids responded positively.

About 10 minutes passed.

Kid: “How much longer do we have now?”

Response: “Remember, I will give an update every 15 minutes.”

Kid: “Hasn’t it already been 15 minutes?”

Response: “It hasn’t been 15 minutes.”

Kid: “I feel like it’s been more than 15 minutes.”

Once we reached the next 15-minute increment, my wife announced, “Two hours until we arrive at our destination!”

Kid: “See? You forgot the last announcement!”

Response: “No, we didn’t. The last one was two hours and 15 minutes, and now it’s two hours.”

Kid: “No. I remember! You didn’t tell us the last time!”

Response: “Yes, we did.”

Kid: “No you didn’t.”

Response: “Stop trying to gaslight us. We did!”

Kid: “You’re the one who is saying you did but you didn’t!”*

*These kids apparently understand the concept of gaslighting but can’t keep track of 15 minutes.

The commotion settled and, before long, my wife gave another update. “One hour, 45 minutes to go!”

Kid: “Wait, we only have an hour left to go?”

Response: “No. One hour and 45 minutes.”

Kid: “So not an hour?”

Response: “No.”

Kid: “So how much longer?”

You can guess how the rest of the trip went. The 15-minute update was a good idea. On paper, anyway.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 6-12. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.

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