The Exhausted Dad: Family traditions and ‘down-low’ protocols
“Don’t bite the bugs.”
My dad used to say that to the little kid version of me every night before bed, inverting the classic, “Don’t let the bed bugs bite” tuck-in phrase. His mom (my grandmother) said it to him, so he passed the tradition along.
I say it to my daughters before bedtime, in tandem with my youngest daughter’s (age 8) numerous tuck-in demands. I mentioned “Don’t bite the bugs” in a column last spring about my daughter’s 905-step high-five/handshake ritual. It’s still happening, and yes, it’s still extremely tedious.
I don’t instruct my boys about biting bugs because, for their bedroom tuck-ins, I dare not mention anything that could startle my youngest (age 6), who is currently afraid of the dark and any other potential thing that goes bump in the night.
I’m not sure if my grandmother twisted “Don’t let the bed bugs bite” into “Don’t bite the bugs,” or if it’s something her parents told her. It might also be something from popular culture (I spent about three minutes skimming the unhelpful results of a Google search).
Regardless, “Don’t bite the bugs” is a Wilson family tradition, if not an entirely original one. Perhaps one of my kids will recite it to their kids and so on.
That got me thinking about the strange rituals I’ve introduced to my kids and whether those oddities will also live on through generations. Take for example the rule-set I introduced to the “Down low, too slow” portion of a high-five sequence.
At the end of my 12,000-step high-five with my daughter, I cap it off with a “Down Low,” where I attempt to dodge my daughter’s low-five slap. If she misses my hand, she earns the classic retort, “Too slow.” Once successful, she attempts the “Double down low.”
Except my daughter likes to slap my hand before I can even say, “Down low” or “Double down low.” It’s cheating! After too many false-starts over the years, I finally did something about it. I introduced “Fast & Furious” violations.
It works like this: If she slaps my hand before I recite the words, she’s subject to me yelling one of three phrases, all based on titles from the “Fast & Furious” movie franchise:
“That’s a ‘2 Fast, 2 Furious’ violation!”
“That’s a ‘Tokyo Drift’ violation!”
“That’s a ‘Hobbs & Shaw’ violation!”
What do the violations mean, you ask? Nothing. I yell one of them randomly, and we start again. A perfect, relaxing bedtime routine!
My oldest daughter, who shares a room with her sister, is a frustrated witness to the proceedings.
She asks, “What’s the difference between the three violations?”
I respond: “If you must ask, then you clearly don’t understand anything about ‘Down Low, Too Slow’ protocols.”
She replies: “Would it help if I saw any of those fast car movies you’re talking about?”
My response: “No.”
Now hop into a time machine (modeled after Dominic Toretto’s 1970 Dodge Charger, obviously) and fast forward to the future, where my daughter is doing the high-five protocol with her own kid. She lowers her hand to the floor, signaling a “Down Low.” Her innocent baby slaps my daughter’s hand before she can utter the full phrase. Then my daughter screams in her face: “That’s a Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw” violation!”
Imagine this going on for decades, with each generation adding their own installments of the seemingly unkillable movie franchise. “That’s a ‘Dieciocho Furioso’ violation!”
Of all the moments I’ve shared with my children, it’s possible the ONLY thing that endures for the next generations of Wilsons will be a parent yelling “TOKYO DRIFT” into the face of their child at bedtime.
I feel good about that legacy.
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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student, and parent to four kids, ages 6-12. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.
The Exhausted Dad