The Exhausted Dad: Life’s essential knowledge (according to a first grader)

My 6-year-old takes his superhero research very seriously.

A connoisseur of Batman, Spider-Man and the less-violent pockets of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, my son continues his education by bringing home the definitive resources from his weekly visits to the school library.

This past week he brought home the illustrated masterwork, “Captain America: A Hero’s Origin.” Last week: “The Incredible Hulk: An Origin Story.”

These books provide (close-enough) accounts of how folks like Steve Rogers and Bruce Banner became vital members of The Avengers. When I read these books to him before bed, my son supplements the story with essential facts. He expects me to know these facts and to regurgitate them back to him at any moment.

Unfortunately, none of this information cross-applies to the coursework that currently occupies 95 percent of my non-parenting time.

(Editor’s note: There are years of published evidence in the Coeur d’Alene Press archives proving this writer knew way too much about unimportant pop culture long before he ever became a parent.)

I asked my son what he considered to be the most important information that everyone should know about… well anything. I now present to you his words on the world’s most necessary knowledge:

1. Regarding Captain America’s shield:

“It is made of the toughest metal on Earth. Vibranium. It can’t be broken. Black Panther has Vibranium claws and he can scratch Captain America’s shield. But he can’t break it.”

As a follow-up, I asked him to compare the shield with Wolverine’s Adamantium-infused claws.

His answer: “Wolverine’s claws are not real, Dad.”

2. Regarding the strongest animal on Earth:

“Tardigrades can survive in OUTER SPACE! They live on moss, and you can only see them under a microscope. They can survive ANYWHERE! You can look it up!”

Thanks to the PBS Kids show, “Wild Kratts,” all my kids know many random facts about animals. Tardigrades and red pandas get mentioned the most.

3. Regarding the parenting of Curious George:

“You. Can’t. Leave. A. Monkey. Alone. In. The. House!”

OK, so I influenced him on this one. I can’t even think about Curious George without raging about the blatant irresponsibility of The Man in the Yellow Hat. My kids might grow up to be very judgmental about parenting techniques, particularly about monkeys.

4. And regarding the definitive question of our lives — What happens when Batman and Superman fight?

“Batman is the best superhero. So Batman can beat Superman. Just say Batman has superpowers in the fight or give Superman some Kryptonite.”

Airtight logic from one of the most brilliant minds of a generation, I say.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student, and parent to four kids. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.

    The Exhausted Dad