The Exhausted Dad: (Attempted) lesson learned on holiday break
The column is called “The Exhausted Dad,” and as you’ve probably noticed, the space rarely contains anything that could be taken as “advice” about parenting.
I offer no advice. I share experiences. Anything helpful in this space, I promise, is likely attributed to the stellar parenting skills of my wife.
This particular column can be fairly titled: “My wife’s clever ideas to keep the peace between my two middle children this holiday break.” I take no credit, and I am immensely grateful that I’m even able to write a column this week without pulling my own hair out from the frustration of dealing with their enduring middle child feud.
My 11-year-old son and 9-year-old daughter regularly butt heads over the silliest of things, most often because of impatience and fear of missing out (FOMO). One can glance at the other for a half second and start a screaming match. If the fights weren’t so loud, they’d be amusing, because the two of them are more alike than they’d ever want to admit.
Survival in the Wilson House depends on those two getting their own personal activities and attention from their parents. I suspect other large families with multiple middle children experience the same. If we can keep them apart at least some of the time, then they’re more likely to enjoy each other’s company while together.
Holiday break, however, presents challenges. More than two weeks of sharing the same space? Without the respite of school? (I’m sure it was a coincidence, but my two kids’ elementary classrooms are on opposite sides of the building.
On just the second day of holiday break, the screaming between them already reach untenable levels. We needed to do some cleanup around the house for holiday visitors, so the added stress of a few chores only made the situation worse.
My 9-year-old middle had already been raging about her responsibility to pick up the shoes, coats and backpacks in the entryway. My 11-year-old middle was tasked with picking up the garbage and clothes in their shared bathroom. To us anyway, it seemed like a fair delegation of duties. My 9-year-old disagreed. She said, “This job is way worse than HIS job! This is going to take 10 times longer! He’s always getting the easier job!”
Usually when this happens, I lose my patience, flip my lid and end up doing both jobs myself. This time, however, my wife calmly changed course.
“Okay, if you think it’s unfair, you can do the bathroom and he can do the entryway.”
Both complained (because nobody wanted to do any work period). My wife insisted and my 11-year-old son went down to work on the entryway. Honestly, this worked out great for him, because he loves organizing when the job isn’t too overwhelming. He LOVES building Lego sets because he can follow the clear instructions. Same with chores. Tell him EXACTLY what to do, and he’ll thrive.
My daughter did NOT enjoy the bathroom duties. As you might guess, kids are kinda gross, so the trash in the bathroom wasn’t quite the type of trash she was expecting. She RAGE CLEANED. I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever seen her so angry about a task. She doesn’t use naughty language or anything, but her ramblings certainly sounded like Joe Pesci’s nonsense utterings in the “Home Alone” movies.
Both projects took the same amount of time, but my daughter later lamented that she wished she didn’t complain about her brother getting the “harder” job. Picking up snot rags and crumpled toilet paper can be humbling.
While I found this situation slightly amusing, my wife’s second idea for peace between the two middles was far more impactful. On Christmas morning, both middles get upset when they can’t see what’s going on — as in, if their younger brother is opening a present, my middles become frustrated if they don’t also experience the reveal. Couple that with the very typical, “I wanted what he got” and, “He/she has more than me” complaints, and Christmas morning can be understandably stripped of some the magic.
This year, my wife decided to let the two middles help with much of the wrapping, especially with the wrapping of gifts to their house adversary. She even empowered the two to make choices about which presents would be the best for the other kids, which resulted in some surprisingly thoughtful moments of generosity.
“I think she would like this more than me.”
“I really want one, but he would definitely love this. Can I give it to him?”
If nothing else, the two middles spent multiple hours thinking about their sibling with love rather than frustration. That natural tendency to compare each other’s experiences gave way to them trying to let the other kid have the better experience.
It’s a shame Christmas comes so early during the holiday break. Perhaps we can delay the gift opening until the day before they go back to school.
•••
Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 7-13. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.
The Exhausted Dad
