The Exhausted Dad: Fears of the beach vary by family member
Everyone in my family enjoys our annual trips to the ocean.
The beach is rejuvenating, inspiring, humbling and, most importantly, a good place to dig a really big hole.
With four kids, any beach adventure requires planning and accommodation. Some kids don’t want their feet covered in sand. Other kids want to climb a steep sand dune, roll down the hill and cover themselves with sand, head to toe. And some parents just want to stay at sea level, in a nice comfy beach chair, avoiding any kind of activity that will reaggravate the calf injury that already stole six weeks of his summer.
As my kids age, our family activity options grow (slightly). We haven’t tested the sea sickness status of the kids just yet, which means no family treks onto the ocean to go whale watching. They’ve seen too many nature documentaries about murderous orcas anyway.
My wife and I wanted to explore a few new beaches this time around, some of which require a bit more physical maneuvering (though not too much, because TORN CALF). One highlight was a rocky shore beach that you could only access by traveling through a short cave at low tide.
It turned out to be the highlight of the trip, at least for the adults. The kids enjoyed hunting for rocks and seashells as well, but as with anything new, my kids hyper-focused on some rather unique fears. Climbing up a steep sand dune along a rocky shore? Easy. Bugs and leashed animals? NO WAY.
In fact, Team Wilson’s individual fears on the beach probably explain quite a bit about our personalities.
My 7-year-old son: He HATES those tiny little bugs that pop out of the sand and buzz briefly around your toes. This is a problem because there are THOUSANDS of them. Everywhere. We solved this by providing pants and long socks, even at the risk of them getting too wet. Because the screaming about the bugs is louder than the screaming about being cold and wet.
My 9-year-old daughter: Her lifelong fear of dogs continues, unfortunately, despite her having a decent relationship with her grandma’s animals and her best friend’s dog. She hid behind me at nearly every sighting of a dog, including all the ones several feet away and on leashes. It doesn’t help when some folks let their wild, giant dogs go crazy on the beach, even despite my daughter screaming at the top of her lungs.
My 11-year-old son: He hates all those “Tsunami Evacuation Zone” signs. Honestly, I find this fear to be totally rational. And I haven’t even shown the kid that scene in “Deep Impact” yet. Anyway, the tunnel beach also presented the additional fear of the tide coming in too much to prevent him from escaping the area. Again, not totally irrational! I worried about it too!
My 13-year-old daughter: Her current No. 1 fear: Any activity taking too long. Her, more than once on the beach: “I’m bored! I want to go back and watch 'Pretty Little Liars!'"
My wife: Whatever activity we do, she doesn’t want to be out driving in the rain on unfamiliar roads. Easily the most sensible fear. Y’all RV drivers are crazy.
Me: Ever since I learned about the tunnel cave, I couldn’t stop thinking about the recent M. Night Shyamalan movie, “Old,” about a beach, only accessible by cave, that makes its visitors age rapidly. It’s a deeply silly film (but also totally underrated!), and there is obviously no such thing as a beach that makes you old.
Still, as I was taking a picture on the beach, I flipped my camera into selfie mode just to see if my beard had any new gray hairs.
It’s official: I’m the most maladjusted person in the family.
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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 7-13. He is tired and aging rapidly. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.
The Exhausted Dad