The Exhausted Dad: Tooth v. Sour Patch
A child-size molar is missing.
During spring break, I took my kids to see “Kung Fu Panda 4,” which is the fourth best “Kung Fu Panda” movie.
We bought a giant tub of popcorn and snuck in some Sour Patch Kids. I’m not going to divulge the theater, because I don’t want to be banned. It was my 12-year-old’s idea! We still bought popcorn!
Anyway, we all enjoyed the popcorn except my 8-year-old daughter. After a few minutes of munching, she complained she tasted blood in her mouth and that one of her molars (which had been loose already) hurt.
Not wanting to miss any of the Kung Fu Panda-ing, I told her to wash it out with some water.
Side note about the water bottles every child brought to the theater: We walked into the building with the water bottles and not a single staff member said a word about it. I’m not sure if there are rules about kids bringing water into the theater. Please don’t write me any scolding emails. I’m just trying to survive an outing with these children.
Anyway, she drank some water and stopped eating popcorn. After all the popcorn disappeared, I started handing out single Sour Patch Kids candies to my kids at random intervals. Even with a bloody mouth and a loose, painful molar, my daughter couldn’t resist one of the top five-all-time candies.
Side note about my older daughter, who wears braces: Yes, she ate popcorn and several Sour Patch Kids, despite both being listed as “no-gos” by her orthodontist. Seemed fine. Anyway, two days later, I took her to her regularly-scheduled orthodontist appointment and stayed in the lobby so I wouldn’t have to answer any accusatory questions from the staff about whatever they discovered in her mouth. Please don’t write me any scolding emails.
Like the rest of the family, my 8-year-old daughter started snacking on the Sour Patch Kids. Those Sour Patches are so delicious that she forgot about her loose molar and started chewing with that side of her mouth again.
At a critical juncture in the Panda movie, she leaned over to tell me, “My loose tooth is gone! It’s just gone!”
She started looking around her seat … in the dark. She wanted to use the flashlight app on my phone to look for it.
I declined for two reasons.
1. We were all being so WELL-BEHAVED and quiet in the movie, and it was a pretty full theater, and I didn’t want to cause any kind of scene or ruin other people’s experiences with the fourth best “Kung Fu Panda” movie.
2. The Kung Fu Panda was Kung Fu Panda-ing the final boss and the movie was going to end soon.
The movie ended with the best part of the whole movie — the Tenacious D cover of Britney Spears’ “…Baby One More Time,” the remake of a classic you never knew you needed. The lights came up and we all began to hunt for a tooth.
Had we not spilled half a bucket of popcorn on the floor during the movie, perhaps we would have had an easier time locating it. Everything looked like popcorn! Also, I blinded myself when I turned on my phone “flashlight.”
Finally, I abandoned the hunt.
“The Tooth Fairy will find your tooth and probably still give you money,” I said.
To my slight surprise, this answer satisfied her.
Then she said, “I might have swallowed it.”
Then my other daughter said, “Then the Tooth Fairy can recover it from the toilet later.”
So we never found the tooth, and we don’t know for sure whether she lost it in the theater or if she swallowed it alongside that delicious Sour Patch Kid. She got her money anyway, so whatever the Tooth Fairy did to get the tooth … I don’t want to know.
It should come as no surprise to anyone that this isn’t the first time we’ve lost teeth in this family. We’ve had at least one accidental swallow, another incident with “Tortuga” (our household Roomba vacuum) and a few misplaced at school. Nobody seems to care so long as they get their cash, apparently.
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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student, and parent to four kids, ages 6-12. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.
The Exhausted Dad