The Exhausted Dad: Random barks — a list of adversaries

Yippy dogs. People wearing hats. Kids walking with crutches.

Earlier this year, our family adopted a 1-year-old cockapoo named Marley. He’s a good boy. His barking regimen, however, makes little sense.

First thing you need to know about Marley: Despite his 20-pound frame, the dog barks like he’s at least twice that size. Low tone. Underlying growls. Very tough.

The bark, honestly, can be startling if you don’t expect it.

Some things receive a consistent, relentless barking fit. If someone knocks on the door … bark, bark, bark. If a neighbor slams a car door too loud … bark, bark, bark. If he wants to go outside and all my kids ignore him … bark, bark, bark.

When we first got him, he barked at nearly everyone he saw outside the house. I’d take him with me when I dropped the kids off for school, and he’d hang his head out the window and “warn” every child he saw between our house and the school. Not my favorite time.

As he’s grown more comfortable going out in the world, the barking has become less predictable. I never know who or what will trigger his … rage? Excitement? Chattiness? I honestly don’t know. He wags his tail during most of it, but the occasional growls make me wonder if he wants to chew the face off that neighbor cat.

With my curiosity comes a desire for scientific analysis. I’ve been collecting data. My research is still young, so I’m hesitant to share any conclusions. I will take public input on some of the more interesting behaviors:

• Other dogs: Very selective in reaction. On walks, he ignores other dogs barking at him from either inside their houses or from their backyards except for this pair of small dogs who yip at him at the end of the street. I think these yippy dogs might be saying rude things. Crossing a line somehow. I could see some species discrimination happening on both sides of the argument.

*Side note: Some contained dogs are ignored. Others, like this one similarly sized dog on the next street over, receive what might be more offensive than a reactionary bark. Marley likes to poop within view of that dog, butt facing the fence. When I bag it up, Marley seems offended that I’ve thwarted his grand scheme.

• Other small animals: One roaming cat in the neighborhood receives a growly bark. Another one prompts Marley into chase mode (tugging on his leash and irritating my sciatica). Bunnies and gophers receive chase mode, not barks. I don’t know.

• Larger animals: He barked like crazy at a deer crossing through the neighborhood. But that 100-plus pound dog he saw at the park the other day? He refused to make eye contact.

• Strange children: Marley likes some kids more than others. My youngest daughter’s best friend wears eyeglasses like my daughter, but for whatever reason the glasses make him think that he doesn’t know her and he barks and growls at her for a few minutes until finally relaxing. She wears a hat sometimes, so that might be a thing.

• People with hats: Actually, he definitely doesn’t like hats. He barks at me sometimes when I’m wearing a baseball cap. And he loves me more than anyone! (It’s obvious).

• The one neighbor a couple houses down: Marley loves this guy. He seems like a good dude.

• The one neighbor a couple houses down in the other direction: Keeps growling and barking at every sighting. I always knew there was something wrong with that guy.

• Potential discrimination: Marley generally doesn’t bark at other kids from the car during school pick-ups and drop-offs. However, this one time he saw an elementary-aged girl walking into the building using crutches. He went absolutely crazy. Maybe he was worried about her well-being. Or maybe he hates children with disabilities. More research required …

• Pink riding pony toy on the curb: Someone left a stuffed pony (the kind toddlers ride on) on the edge of the street, with a sign marked “free.” I can understand this one because the toy was basically the same size as the dog. Marley approached it slowly, head down, growling at a constant rate. When his nose finally touched the leg of the toy, he began barking incessantly. Had he not been leashed, who knows what would have happened. It could have been a Pink Pony Fight Club!

• His own reflection: He doesn’t notice it much, but occasionally he catches a glimpse of himself in a window and thinks he needs to guard against a doppelganger intruder. Or, alternatively, he sees himself and thinks, “I’m (expletive deleted) handsome!”

More research will be collected. I hope to bring findings to peer review by the fall.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student, and parent to four kids. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.