THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: Here to make sense of M's telecasts — in any language

Here we are again. 

But hey, that’s cool, because I can speak the language of baseball forever. 

And love it. 

To be fair, I can’t chat about pickoff plays in Spanish, Dutch or Papiamentu, which Mariners prospect Jurrangelo Cijntje has right on his tongue along with English —– switching back and forth among dialects as easily as playing catch. 

Oh, sorry. 

Papiamentu is the native language of Caracao, a Creole blend of African, Spanish, Portuguese, Dutch, French, English, and Arawak Indian. 

It’s no surprise that Cijntje has several languages at his disposal. 

That seems like child’s play, considering he intends to reach the major leagues by pitching with both hands. 

That, folks, will be a hoot. 

Meanwhile, though, we have a different subject in the spotlight today. 

I’ve got a boatload of emails asking slightly different versions of the same question. 

Readers want to know what they’re hearing on Mariners telecasts. 

Specifically, would I please explain all these exotic pitches the announcers are babbling about? 

Fans would enjoy the games a lot more if the description of a high fastball wasn’t tossed at them in Papiamentu. 

OK, just kidding about a Creole broadcast. 

GIVING viewers an idea the difference between a two-seam and four-seam fastball would be a great start, since we see them every night without understanding what just happened. 

Ditto for some breaking pitches, like the curve, slider and sweeper. 

I’m not surprised that a lot of fans are puzzled by the descriptions of routine pitches. 

You have to take the game pretty seriously to know what you’re seeing — and maybe explain it to a friend or partner who’s watching with you at home or at the ballpark. 

Let’s start with the fastball, which despite what you hear occasionally, has always been the toughest pitch to hit. 

A guy throwing 99 mph is off to a great start. 

However. 

Even a pitch with that much velocity can be hammered if the guy who threw it totally missed his spot. 

Here’s how you can identify the common fastballs. 

The four-seamer (the name comes from how the ball is gripped … duh) provides the most velocity, and should “ride” up in the strike zone. 

A right-hander’s four-seamer should move slightly AWAY from a right-handed hitter, and in toward the hands of a lefty. 

Two-seam fastballs do the opposite. 

Once again … duh! 

Pitchers lose a little heat with a two-seamer, but when thrown correctly, it moves wickedly in toward our right-handed hitter. 

If you watched the Mariners last weekend, Bryan Woo struck out a couple of hitters with vicious two-seamers — tying up hitters because Woo can get outs with a steady diet of four-seamers. 

In fact, Woo is the rare young star who throws fastballs almost non-stop. 

Up and away, down and in … all on top of you in scary time. 

Yikes! 

NOW, WE look at the Mariner killers. 

Breaking pitches. 

Seattle hitters swung out of their shoes at bending and breaking stuff last year, and they got off to a depressing 2025 start last week against the We’re-Not-Sacramento Athletics. 

Yes, these pitches are different (although the Mariners look as though they have little idea how to hit ANY of them). 

The favored breaking pitch among major leaguers is the slider, although guys are inventing wild new weapons every day. 

The slider is your basic strikeout pitch, because although it doesn’t break all that much, it snaps REALLY late — after a hitter has triggered on a fastball and can’t do a doggone thing. 

One danger throwing the slider as a swing-and-miss pitch is that it has to start near the center of the plate — and hopefully break away and down. 

Sometimes, a bad slider will be nothing more than a batting practice pitch. 

If you saw Sunday’s game, J.P. Sears probably let out a scream of terror the instant he released a bad, wobbling slider in the direction of Julio Rodriguez. 

That pitch stayed right in the heart of the plate — at least, until Julio air-mailed it 438 feet to the very top of the left-field stands.  

Pitchers have nightmares about hanging sliders. 

So much for that chapter. 

Look, I truly enjoy answering baseball questions, so send me an email and I promise to answer.

I’ll even learn to reply in Papiamentu. 

Email: scameron@cdapress.com 

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press three times each week, normally Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday unless, you know, stuff happens. 

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”