The Exhausted Dad: No food in the house

At least once a day I hear one of my four kids complain, “There’s no food in the house!”

Of course they don’t literally mean no food exists in the home. They usually just mean, “I don’t know what to eat.”

I understand the feeling, especially when my wife and I purchase a bunch of vegetables and other healthy foods rather than bags of potato chips and sugar cereal. I ALSO don’t know what to eat when my choices are canned beans, rice and eight varieties of vegetables I don’t want to touch.

That said, we try to keep a sampling of foods our children will eat on a regular basis. We do so if only to avoid a constant barrage of, “There’s no food in the house!” There are always granola bars. Eat a granola bar.

However, another kid translation exists for “There’s no food in the house!” My 9-year-old daughter, a perfectly capable, determined and resourceful human being for 99% of her existence, uses, “There’s no food in the house!” for an entirely different meaning. Consider this recent Sunday morning exchange:

Her: I want breakfast but there’s no food in the house!

Me (assuming she means Translation No. 1): There are so many things to eat.

Her: Like what?

Me: We have cereal. We have oatmeal. We have toast. We have sausages. We have eggs. We ALWAYS have granola bars.

Her: I don’t want cereal. I don’t want oatmeal. Or toast. Or sausages. And I don’t want a granola bar.

Me: I think we probably have blueberries in the freezer. And probably waffles in the freezer.

My 7-year-old son (jumping into the conversation): OH, WE DON’T HAVE WAFFLES. I ATE ALL THE WAFFLES.

Me: OK, then definitely blueberries. Or all those other things.

Her: I don’t want blueberries. I maybe want eggs.

Me: OK, so make some eggs. You know how to make eggs.

Her: I WANT eggs but I don’t want to MAKE eggs.

Did you catch the translation? “There’s no food in the house” translates to “I want YOU to make me a specific food.”

At least I’ve reached the point of parenthood where my kids are old enough to feed themselves, and they even know how to prepare certain foods … like eggs. If you go back into the archives, you can read all about this same daughter’s painstaking process of making a single egg in the microwave.

Point being — she can make her own food, or at the very least she can eat a granola bar, and I can’t be labeled as a bad parent.

Her: Will you please just make some eggs?

Me: Go ask your mom. If she says yes, ask her to make me some too.

What? I want eggs too! So long as I don’t have to make them.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 7-13. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.