THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: A few good ideas to spice up sports

Sanity rules.

Finally.

Common sense is coming to sports.

The Boss Hog Group, an all-powerful, they-make-the-rules group of CEOs, administrators, presidents and assorted other people in charge of athletics (plus the money involved), have come to fear that fans won’t pay for the current products.

So, they’ve gotten together and chosen an all-powerful, all-sports commissioner to get things right.

Me.

Of course.

I’ve spent about a gazillion years in sports, I’ve seen what’s right and wrong, and most important, I won’t make any money no matter how we fix anything — from the Olympics to Pokemon’s Great Pancake Race.

Put a guy in charge who has no stake in the game, who can’t line his pockets by changing the rules … and guess what?

You’ve got a shot that things will be better off.

OK, as your new commissioner, I’m not going to take athletics back several centuries.

We’re not going back to “Maya ballgame,” a sport played in Central America that originated with two brothers.

The loser was decapitated, and his head was then used as the ball for the rest of the game.

Nah, that’s TOO gross — unless we could somehow involve the Houston Astros.

I’M GOING to stick with modern sports and logical ideas.

In other words, things that might keep the average character glued to his TV set.

That’s the mortal sin of sports, losing viewers to “Wheel of Fortune.”

Let’s start with football (American version).

As your commissioner, I’m tired to the bones of watching guys trot to kick 67-yard field goals.

It used to be a novelty.

And there was a penalty if you tried one of these cross-country boots and missed — the opponent took over possession at the spot of the kick.

Unfortunately, these hoofers have gotten too good.

Coaches call time out to decide whether to give Billy “Ham Foot” Weathervane a try from 74 yards, or maybe the wind is just too strong against him.

Yeah, I’m exaggerating about 74 yards — but not by much.

The Ravens’ Justin Tucker won a game last year by blasting a 66-yarder through the sticks as time ran out.

No offense to Justin, but honestly, these kicks WILL get longer and longer.

Teams get the ball with 25 seconds left and think: “How can we grab a couple of first downs -- because anything near midfield and we can win it with a field goal?”

Obviously, we can’t move the goal posts back again, or they’ll be blocking the view from those $125,000-per-game suites.

How about stealing a great idea from the XFL (or whoever it was) and narrow the goal posts to just a few feet.

Coaches will think twice about letting JB Rocketfoot give it try from 70 yards.

Thank goodness.

I’M SURE you can guess one of the first things that would change if I became Commissioner of Sports.

Basketball’s 3-point line HAS to go.

The sport was never invented (or developed) with a strategy that takes you further and further from the hoop.

It’s kind of amusing to see Steph Curry swish one from halfcourt at the end of a quarter, but even Steph would tell you it’s not a “quality shot.”

Alas, it’s too late to keep armies of 13-year-olds from chucking 35-footers on every playground.

It’s too late to get this paste back in the tube.

But just like field goals in football, we CAN toss a punishment into the world of 3-pointers.

How about if you lost a point if you miss one?

That would give coaches (and shooters) some thought about acrobatic heaves from downtown.

Finally, we come to soccer.

I can’t believe this mess hasn’t been fixed long ago.

Less than 24 hours ago, I watched a game decided on a fluke — and everyone knew it was nonsense.

Someone 30 yards from goal lashed at a hopeless shot — except that it hit a defender’s foot, then ricocheted up and grazed his arm.

HANDBALL!

The guy had no intention of using his hand for anything but waving to his family, but the referee instantly blew his whistle and signaled for a penalty.

The PK was converted and the game finished 1-0, on a ball that hit someone’s foot and took a weird bounce.

In a low-scoring sport like soccer, that’s like getting the death penalty for jaywalking.

Absurd.

And easily fixed.

Just give out a 5- or 10-minute penalty (like hockey), so there is SOME advantage — but not finishing off the game.

Actually, this “Sin Bin” idea has been tossed around soccer forever, but since the fossils who run the game are all approaching 150 years old, nothing’s happened so far.

But it will.

Especially if I’m in charge.

Got any other savvy ideas?

I’m right here.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press four times each week, normally Tuesday through Friday unless, you know, stuff happens.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”