High hopes for healing

COEUR d’ALENE — Since her brother was killed July 16, 2011, Natalie Gross has sought healing.

She hopes to find it on the top of Denali.

“There’s something very therapeutic about putting yourself in a pain cave,” the Coeur d’Alene woman said, smiling.

Today, Gross will join a small group as they begin climbing the highest mountain peak in North America, and one of the seven tallest summits in the world. Gross is responsible for carrying her own gear and pulling her own sled up the mountain with a summit elevation of 20,310 feet, where the air grows thin.

She wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I wanted to put myself out there to show people it’s possible to find healing through doing hard things,” Gross said. “I want to be an inspiration to other women.”

The fit 41-year-old believes she is ready for Denali. For months she has trained around five hours a day. She has walked up Canfield Mountain loaded down with packs and boots, which led to “a lot of people staring at me, and me cursing,” Gross said, laughing.

She has pushed herself in hopes that it will take her to the peak of Denali, said to be on of the most difficult of climbs.

Ironically, she is scared of heights, so she avoids thinking about it too much.

“I kind of try not to give myself pre-climb anxiety,” Gross said.

Thinking of her brother calms her fears. 

Cpl. Frank Robert Gross died when his Humvee struck an IED in Afghanistan. It was the 25-year-old’s first tour of duty. 

“I had a premonition. I just kind of knew he wasn’t going to come back,” Gross said.

Frank was Natalie’s only sibling and they had been close since their childhood, growing up in Florida. His death was devastating.

“You don’t expect to have the one person you thought was going to be there for the rest of your life die,” she said.

She struggled to get past his death.

“There’s not a lot of resources if you lost a sibling,” she said.

She found an unusual one.

Gross discovered that when she pushed herself into endurance activities, she felt better. The tougher the challenge, the better she felt. 

She read that many endurance athletes had experienced trauma in their lives.

“We find healing through doing hard things,” Gross said.

Mountaineering fit the bill.

"I trained my entire life so hard, but I never knew exactly what I was training for," she said. "However, when I found mountaineering, the pieces of the puzzle easily fit together. A light bulb went off. Self-induced bouts of suffering is a form of healing for us."

Gross found her way back.

"I threw myself into mountains as they provided a space for healing and peace," she said.

It made a difference. For the first time in years, feelings returned.

“For a long time, I was turning them off,” she said.

The climb isn’t just for herself. 

Gross hopes to raise $10,000 with plans to pay for a weekend retreat in Leavenworth, Wash., for Gold Star sisters and other military women.

She said she wanted to offer something to Gold Star sisters who don’t have support or financial resources to deal with the loss of a loved one.

“Bring together a community of women to not feel so alone,” said Gross, a private flight attendant who moved to Coeur d’Alene about a year ago.

“These brothers and sisters can offer significant impact in our healing process if only we let them in.” Gross wrote. “When Frank died, the gentlemen who were with him became my family, my brothers, and I want to honor them as well. By understanding you are not alone in this process, the healing journey can be so much less painful.”

Gross said she has something to prove: Life goes on after something traumatic happens and it can be good.

"This climb represents so much more than a simple mountain. It exemplifies the hardships faced when losing a loved one, the hurdles one must overcome in order to enter a space of healing and the community it requires in order to tackle such a feat," she wrote. "Through this climb, I hope to instill a sense of hope others."

    Natalie Gross at the top of Mt. Baker in 2023.