THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: The uniformity of uniforms is not so uniform anymore

Guilty.

It’s true.

I am a uniform geek.

Given a chance, I’d organize a torchlight parade to make the Seahawks return to those beautiful blue “throwback” jerseys.

Why in the world were they ever changed in the first place?

Ditto for the Chargers (who will always belong to San Diego), and their magnificent lightning bolt uniforms.

I don’t understand why people in suits decide to screw around with something that’s pretty close to perfect.

Obviously, the Seahawks can fiddle with their uniforms any old time, since they break out those electric lime Jell-O eyesores for prime time games.

So.

Let’s go back to the gorgeous blue and dedicate the change to Jim Zorn.

You’re correct if you’ve guessed that uniforms are especially in my mind at the moment — since Major League Baseball has made the all-time goof by putting all 720 players in shirts and pants that are a few sizes too tight.

They apparently feel icky, too, since we’ve heard complaints from every training camp.

It’s a mystery how giant organizations can make such a mess of things — in this case, Nike and its sub-contractor, Fanatics.

Sheesh.

I’D RATHER hold on to all those happy memories of uniforms that work.

Please just go with me on that description.

I’m not talking about the threads of a particular team, or a certain color, or any individual sport.

Some uniforms just … work.

And once you’ve got a winner, do NOT fool around with it.

As a kid growing up in the Bay Area, it was right there in my DNA to detest the Dodgers — but I love those clean, crisp uniforms that never change.

If you believe that there’s a better hockey sweater (yes, that’s what they’re called) than the Toronto Maple Leafs, you should be banned from every arena on Earth.

OK, back to speaking about childhood for a minute, and how a uniform got me in trouble during grammar school.

True story.

I was about 7 years old, and got caught designing a logo and uniform for the Vancouver Mounties of the Pacific Coast League.

During class, of course.

The Mounties were in the league for just a few years, back in the Stone Age, but I was fascinated by the idea of this team a zillion miles north in Canada.

In fact, I was just about ready to send my artistry off to Vancouver when a teacher yanked the notebook off my desk.

Sigh.

Anyhow, if you need a trivia question one of these days, ask one of your sports junkie pals: “What team did Brooks Robinson play for in the Pacific Coast League?”

Yep.

The Mounties’ only Hall of Famer.

So, back to super uniforms all over the world, and also to those others who must be stored in the yuck closet.

I’m including the entire planet because there are some fantastic soccer kits dotting every continent (a “kit” is what uniforms are called in the soccer — and football is the name of the sport everywhere but North America).

I’ll exclude Arsenal, since I live and breathe the club, and given that restriction, I think the famous “blanco” of Real Madrid is the best ever football jersey.

But I have so many favorites.

WE NOW have come to a downer, however.

Naturally, money is involved.

Most of well-known soccer/football clubs across the world have a historic home kit that they never change.

Oh, the name of a sponsor on the front can be switched out whenever the marketing department strikes a new deal, but the design of the kit stays the same.

What teams are doing now, though, is coming up with a new “away kit” each year — and at most clubs they sell like crazy.

I know plenty of fans who buy the alternate kit every season.

What?

Who, me?

Anyhow, those shirts are money-spinners, and they are here to stay.

The whole idea of revolving alternate uniforms, and selling them as fast as possible, has hit the United States — especially in baseball.

The Mariners have taken a page from Phil Knight — with the day’s jersey color supposedly chosen by the starting pitcher.

I’m sorry, gang, but I wish you’d pick the best design (the teal, maybe) and just hang in there with it.

You can sell enough of those wild City Connect outfits to make up for some down years peddling cod tacos on the concourse.

I mentioned Oregon, you’ll recall, and I’ve saved Phil’s donated eclectic wardrobe for last.

The Ducks are stuck wearing things like those basketball bananas — and they’re way, WAY past ugly.

For a uniform snob, huh, what can I say?

Hey, why don’t you get involved here and send me your thoughts on team designs you like.

Plus, the ones that give you a headache.

Let’s have some fun going back over great uniforms … and disasters.

RSVP, gang.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press four times each week, normally Tuesday through Friday unless, you know, stuff happens.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”