SATIRE: Another modest proposal

We here at Our Lady of Perpetual Conception have become aware that women’s fertility, women’s bodies and the ongoing need for service workers in the great state of Idaho have been commented upon at length.

We are vehemently supportive of the “personhood” of frozen embryos, but we don’t believe that the “brilliant” concepts espoused by the Alabama Supreme Court go quite far enough. And surely, we would never leave men out of this sacred equation. So let us consider men’s er um emission. 

The sacred fluid of which we speak has the potential to create thousands of children. Too often it is wasted by those men seeking personal pleasure or even in the act of recreational coition. 

However, men must do their part, their sacred duty, and refrain from all sexual acts except those that are intended for procreation. Additionally, we believe that Viagra-like products should be banned from the market. After all, if it is God’s will that a man is no longer able to participate in amorous congress, then a man must obey God’s will. 

Because of our deeply held religious views, we believe that men who “plant the parsnips” as one congregant put it ­­— without the intention of creating a child, should be imprisoned, possibly tortured, put in the stocks, or maybe, if truly unrepentant, hung in the town square. (If it was good enough for the Salem witch trials, it’s good enough for us, but we’re still thinking through the punishment end of things.)

We know what’s best for you, and we know that our religious views overshadow any constitutional rights or bodily autonomy you might have thought you had. After all, men, GOD is on OUR side.

So, in the inimitable words of our Patron Saint, Monty Python, let me remind you of your responsibilities through the words sung from our holy hymnal:

“Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.” 

Don’t let God get angry gentlemen. Do what’s right. Idaho is watching, and no one wants to go blind.

With Apologies to Jonathan Swift,

ETHEL STEINMETZ MARMONT

Coeur d’Alene