The Exhausted Dad: Birthdays deserve a ‘bro-cation’

The baby of the family turned 7 this past week.

The more time passes, the less he wants to be the little kid of the house. I’m just trying to cherish the days where he wants to be my buddy and spend every possible moment with me.

I had to work on the day of his birthday, though we sufficiently partied that evening. I did, however, have the whole next day available.

“I want to spend the day with you and do activities!” he declared.

Luckily, it’s still very easy to please a 7-year-old. Riding in the car (with some kind of treat) will often result in a “Best Day Ever” declaration.

So he and I went out for a drive.

“I want to go out for like 2 hours and get Dutch Bros!” he said.

He knows getting a special birthday drink won’t take 2 hours, so it was up to me to plan a few more activities.

For starters, we needed to pick up a prescription. Kids like doing this, apparently. Then we went to Dutch Bros., which is great for me because “getting a treat” for him means that I also get to splurge on an expensive, delicious drink for myself.

My son wanted a peach smoothie, which was recently discontinued. The barista suggested a peaches and cream milkshake dealie thing, opining that it tasted better than the smoothie anyway.

After one sip, my son agreed.

“Oh, he was right. He was exactly right. It’s better. This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

Next, I took him into a store … because we needed coffee filters. As an extra incentive, I told him he could pick out any $10 item. I love to do this experiment with my kids, especially after a birthday when they’ve already opened all the presents. It’s a good gauge to see whether we delivered as both thoughtful parents and efficient contributors to capitalism. If he struggles to pick something out in the store (in the price range anyway), then that means Mom and Dad already got him all the coolest stuff.

After about five minutes, he picked out at least 10 things he wanted. To be fair, the “Despicable Me” toys weren’t in the store last week …

He finally decided on a Minecraft sword and we headed back to the car (fun fact: I bought the wrong type of coffee filters).

“What should we do next, Dad?”

We decided on the comic book shop, a perfect destination because A) I wanted to pick up some comics and B) my son will pick out a stack of free comics at the front and think I bought him another treat. I love taking credit for free stuff.

After we finished there, I told him we needed to go to the grocery store and pick out a dessert for the evening. I figured this might take a bit of time, seeing as how last time I took him to pick out dessert, he changed his mind at least six times before we made it to the checkout aisle.

This time, he made his decision the second we walked into the Safeway.

“Right there. Oreo cupcakes,” he said. “Done. Easy.”

Between all the driving and stops, we exceeded the two hours he wanted, despite the instant selection of dessert.

“I think we should keep this going,” he said.

Me: “Oh yeah? Keep what going?”

Him: “This bro time. It’s like a mini-vacation. A bro-cation.”

I will admit to using the term “bro” around my kids all the time, but I’ve never once uttered the phrase, “bro-cation.”

Him: “We can keep the bro-cation going with some salty fries. Some hot, salty fries from McDonald’s.”

I opened my McDonald’s app and found a coupon for free medium fries with a $2 purchase. That means dad buys a drink for himself, and I get to take the credit again for the free treat.

I am excellent at bro-cationing.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 7-13. Dutch Bros and McDonald’s did not sponsor this column, but I am happy to take compensation after the fact.