A ‘Web’ of awful cinema
You’re not helping, “Madame Web.”
Anyone hoping for a superhero movie revival won’t find it in “Madame Web,” a bafflingly stupid “Spider-Man”-adjacent story that more resembles the genre’s hokey 2000s-era input (think “Elektra” or “Ghost Rider”).
The resemblance could be intentional, as “Madame Web” takes place in 2003, presumably to allow a certain supporting character (played here by Adam Scott) to age-up and become a relevant “Spider” presence in the modern timeline. That timeline doesn’t include the Marvel Cinematic Universe, as “Madame Web” is a Sony side project, like “Venom” and “Morbius,” existing outside the reach of Disney’s overstuffed mega-franchise.
Independence from the overextended MCU might be welcome were it not for “Madame Web’s” sloppy visuals, sleepy performances and clunky scripting. The story follows Cassie (Dakota Johnson), a New York City paramedic who, after a near-death experience, discovers she can see a few moments into the future (thanks to some inherited powers courtesy of her dead mother). Meanwhile, one of her mom’s old colleagues, some rando business mogul named Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), has more typical “Spider-Man”-like powers but is evil for some reason.
Evil Ezekiel is also haunted by visions of three “Spider” women murdering him sometime in the future, so he decides to hunt them down and kill them before they become superpowered. The film’s marketing highlights these “Spider-Women” visions, but they only appear in two brief dream sequences (a tease to a future franchise movie that will never come to fruition).
In the timeline of “Madame Web,” these “Spider” women just a trio of non-superpowered teenage girls, all with absent parental figures and nondescript personalities, played here by Isabela Merced, Celeste O’Connor and Sydney Sweeney. Cassie’s future visions lead her to the girls, and when Ezekiel attacks, Cassie becomes their reluctant guardian.
Positives first: The central premise of a grumpy person forced to use her unwanted premonitions for superherodom is a fun enough opportunity for blockbuster-level antics. Johnson, a charismatic performer in the right kind of role, also seems up to the challenge, as she delivers on a few solid comedic moments in which Cassie tries to mask her uncontrollable premonitions from the people around her.
Despite Johnson’s efforts, it’s everything else around her that’s (expletive deleted) disaster. Exposition-heavy dialogue and nonexistent characterization sink all the secondary performances, with Ezekiel an especially ridiculous and nonthreatening villain. The trio of teenage girls have no independent traits other than to “say immature things that annoy Cassie.” The action sequences, such as they are, occur randomly and lack coherence, and the visual effects suck all the life out of the already pint-sized slice of reality that appears onscreen.
Should blame go to the director (TV vet S.J. Clarkson)? Or the four-person writing team? Maybe a little. Moreover, “Madame Web” reeks of a desperate studio hoping to squeeze any lifeforce from one of the only reliably bankable superhero properties in 2024. Why else include Scott’s REDACTED character in an unrelated and painfully fan-serviced subplot? Actually, it might be there to pad the runtime (that already feels 85 minutes too long).
The truth is Sony didn’t care about making a good movie out of “Madame Web.” The movie exists so the studio can hold onto the rights to “Spider-Man.” They don’t care so nobody else should care. Forget this article. Forget the movie even exists at all.
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Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.