Sholeh: MLP: Keep her spirit alive
Your Mrs. Language Person is off to cloudier skies (no, she didn’t mean sunny; the mere mention of its dastardly blaze elicits a fainting fit).
Ranting aside, she will miss you, Dear Readers. At the very least the Snitty Old Biddy became affectionately accustomed to amplifying her linguistic lamentations.
Yet before she bids you farewell, in perfect alignment with her condescending and extremely irritating nature she begs of you, Readers: Do not abandon language tried and true! Words matter. They do, they do!
Sadness has clearly made her giddy as she’s suddenly channeling Dr. Seuss. But we digress.
With dubious (i.e., hesitating; a different meaning than “doubtful”) thanks to dwindling interest in reading, writing in complete sentences or preserving any semblance of accuracy in just about anything, English is fast fading to a fetid flux (alliteration is every journalist’s fetish).
What’s the use of having a common language if we don’t operate along the same rules or use the same, mutually recognized words and patterns? In other words, if grammar is all but abandoned?
Keep MLP’s spirit alive. Take her banner and keep it flying. Save English!
If you’re not the flag-waving type, at minimum please don’t let any of these slip, lest they become so common as to join the ranks of “alright” (not all right!) or “tonite” (n-i-g-h-t. If we can spell it alone, we can spell it with “to”). Culled from more than a dozen years of MLP’s treatises and grammatical admonitions:
“S” makes plural. Period. Your MLP is driven to madness each time she sees an apostrophe used in a plural. A simple “s” (or for words ending in “s”, an “-es”) ending denotes a plural. That includes mothers-in-law; please note the plural sticks with the noun, where it belongs. Apostrophes (not apostrophe’s!) show either (a) ownership (MLP’s rant) or (b) a missing letter (don’t — do not — use one in a plural).
Except its; it’s an exception. Because the alternative would be too confusing, the only possessive without an apostrophe is “its.” Because the apostrophe in “it’s” stands for the second “i” in “it is,” to make a possessive for this word alone, its possessive form is simply “its” — no apostrophe.
I, me, her and he. Never mind whether it’s first or last. Ask instead: Is the pronoun the subject? She and I went. It’s for him and me. If the pronoun is the subject of the sentence, choose subjective pronouns I, she, he or they. If the pronoun is the object of a verb or preposition (“for” him), choose objective pronouns me, her, him, them.
It’s could’ve. Not could of. Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve — these are abbreviations (note the apostrophe standing in for the missing letters) for would have, could have, and so on. No “of” about it (nor “a.” “Coulda” isn’t a word). “Of” denotes belonging. “Have” denotes a potential past action. If you think about the meaning, Dear Reader, the choice is obvious.
Lay, lie. To lay is to place or put (something), e.g., lay a baby in a crib, lay an egg or lay a dinner table. Also, to put forth or assign, e.g., lay out a presentation or lay blame. Past tense: laid.
To lie (not falsify) is to place oneself or be at rest (lie down); to be located (her house lies beyond the hill). Past tense: Lay.
MLP could fill a book with a mere 100 of the thousands of depressingly and increasingly common abuses of the English language. Instead, she’ll settle for a parting shot.
While she thanks those who’ve (you wouldn’t say “you of” now, would you?) so generously shared compliments, your MLP is not “very unique.” Nothing, in fact, is “somewhat” or “very” or “so” unique. Unique means ONE. UNO. SOLO. No qualification, no degrees, no adjectives.
Something is either unique, the only one of its kind, or it isn’t.
No, Mrs. Language Person, stuffy and fussy though she may be, wasn’t fishing. Hardly the only writer out there who’s made a habit of grammar whinging (no, it’s not the same as whining; do look it up), it takes a very big team to accomplish the good grammar goal.
Join the ranks, Dear Readers. Defend your language and reverse the trend: Do not accept the declining vocabularies of your fellow Americans!
Speak up! Embrace your dictionaries and revitalize Scrabble (a wonderful after-dinner activity for the household, and a great way to prove who’s better-read. That’s who’s for “who is” and not “whose,” which is the possessive form).
And if (yes, writers have an excuse to begin paragraphs with “and,” but don’t try this at home; they’re professionals) you’re too polite to correct others, your MLP then begs of you as she melts into the floor like the wicked word witch she has always been, simply keep the faith by example and read. Voraciously and with broad interests.
(Melting, melting.)
The more books one reads, the more beautiful and useful words enter everyday vocabulary. With luck, correctly uttered.
(Melting…)
Words matter.
• • •
Sholeh Patrick and Mrs. Language Person have been columnists for the Hagadone News Network for nearly 23 years, and loved every moment sharing with and learning from you, Dear Readers, her colleagues and thousands of interviews. It’s been grand. Thank you, and farewell.