MLP: Don’t bait your breath

None of us is (that’s “is,” Dear Reader, to agree with the singular “-one,” as in not one, or none) perfect. Your Mrs. Language Person is no exception. She’s getting grey-haired (gray is the dominant American spelling, but the Snitty Old Biddy detests change) and eligible for senior discounts (Huzzah! Yippee!). Perhaps that explains why this one slipped her feeble mind.

 A week has passed since a promised second installment of common English fauxs-pas failed to appear. (The “s,” you may recall, makes the French term plural, rather like mothers-in-law, but never “mother-in-laws.” Is the law plural? No? The prosecution rests.) In its place stood an entirely different, yet timely column per reader request.

Did you miss her, dear dedicated-yet-oh-so-few fellow grammarians? Have you been waiting on bated (not baited, unless you’re a taunt or torturer of slimy things) breath (noun without an “e,” lest it becomes the verb “breathe”)?

Baiting your breath makes it smelly.

Speaking of bait, a wiggly worm works better than a stationary (still) one, as fisherfolk well know. Not to be confused with stationery (ah, watermarks! Prettily visible fibers! Pleasing textures!) upon which people used to (with the “d” as in once did, not a misuse of the verb "use.” Shame!) write lovely letters in cursive that one could keep, fold, and wrap in ribbons. Sigh.

That, which. Of these, your MLP not once, but thrice, wrote, which should have sufficed. “Which” generally begins an independent clause that, once removed, leaves a whole sentence. (Of these your MLP not once, but thrice, wrote.)  A sentence such as this one that has a dependent clause generally requires “that.” Another little trick is to look for commas, which often precede a correctly placed which (is anyone else thinking of Halloween with all these whiches?).

Never, never use which or that when referring to people. Witches are "who." They’re people, too.

They are indeed. Three homophones (soundalikes) shouldn't be so hard. "They're" is a contraction — a substitute for two words, "they are." Their uses should be as clear as this possessive form; use "their" when something belongs to them. Right there (a place or indication) in our local paper readers have their (possessive) linguistic refresher, with which they’re (they are, most certainly) already bored.

Admittedly awkward, that one. Space limitation ensures an end to this yawn-inducer. To ensure is to make certain; to insure is for Blue Cross or that cute little Geico lizard.

Not to wax political (far too exhausting for Snitty Old Biddies), but if you do, Dear Reader, please don’t confuse emigrate and immigrate. It's so simple: Use the "e-" to describe going. Use the "im-" to show arrival. Our forefathers emigrated from Europe, Africa, and Asia to this land, where they joined other immigrants.

Which brings to mind imminent and eminent. An imminent event will happen right away. An eminent person is a well-known VIP.

… Who (not which or that, because VIPs are people) must be quite used to (not “use to!” You’ve got this.) gratuitous compliments (the “i” means praise) and fine dining — where meals are often complemented (supplemented, accentuated — note the first “e”) with the right wine. 

… Which (because wine is an object and this clause isn’t necessary to complete the preceding sentence) elicits (i.e., to bring about, and not illicit, which would insult our VIP) the most pleasing experiences for the palate. Illicit describes something illegal or immoral, such as an affair or a crime. To thus describe English's misuse is an admitted exaggeration even for a word nerd.

Finally, among us (but not between us, as we undoubtedly number more than two) humbler sorts, your MLP must confess she’s out of steam. Too pooped to pop and about to drop. Knackered and whacked, dog tired and dreaming of a cat nap.

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Your Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are columnists for the Hagadone News Network who (not that) are dismayed and depressed by language increasingly lacking rules or definitions. Commiserate or complain to sholeh@cdapress.com.