THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: Drumming up some discussion and arguments

Rankings drive me bonkers.

Ditto for lists.

And votes.

These things are even worse if whatever you’re comparing hasn’t even happened yet.

For instance, comparing Super Bowl contestants, ballerinas or hamburger.

I could write 26,500 words on the outcome of the 2024 NFC West.

My gospel wouldn’t change one play from scrimmage, but we all know that.

The only goal is to give us something to argue about.

(There ARE exceptions, such as Penny’s Pit on Highway 53 in Rathdrum — where the Earth’s greatest burgers are grilled out back, and just the smell causes traffic jams.)

If you choose to dispute Penny’s place in the universe, well, it’s a free country.

But you will not only be wrong, but deeply embarrassed for even uttering such a sentence.

Now, there ARE legitimate arguments that lead to the best or worst of whatever.

Where is the nation’s most awful traffic?

I’d say Boston, with Washington, D.C., getting closer and closer every week.

That’s a fair battle, including the huff and puff over traffic experience nightmares, because we’ve each had our own tales about these places that make the dispute kind of fun.

By the way, I narrowed that traffic scrap down to the U.S. only, because I’d spend weeks sorting out emails about Mumbai (cows wandering on the roads) and Port Barrow (frozen all year to the point that no machinery will purr to life).

Good luck with your Mumbai-Port Barrow chat — or even BEING in either of those places long enough to form an opinion.

ON THE other hand, you can get into a verbal brawl that simply makes you look stupid.

Here’s one in that category for baseball junkies.

Who had better bat control — Ichiro Suzuki or Ty Cobb?

You want to make a point in that tussle?

OK, wheel out the lifetime scout who saw each of these immortals as kids.

Side note: Speaking of scouts from various eras, I heard this story from Harry Caray, somewhere on Rush Street in Chicago between 2 and 4 a.m.

I still think it’s correct (plenty of people I know have heard it elsewhere), but still, you need to factor in Harry if you decide to toss out this tale at your local saloon.

Harry was no fan of agents, and was convinced that they were snatching more than their fair share from various athletes’ paychecks.

“I’m not saying there aren’t players who need agents just to get home with that new pair of shoes,” Harry said.

“When Dave Kingman signed with the Cubs in ’78, he wanted his contract to include a bonus if he broke the club record for RBIs.

“Now, the record was 190, which also happened to be the major league record, so the Cubs had a little laugh and put in some clause.

“The funny thing is that Dave had his best year in 1979, drove in 115 runs — but I don’t he made Hack sweat.”

YOU MAY be wondering why I feel like slapping some rankings and polls today.

Honestly, I forget from time to time just how ridiculous so many of these things can be.

In this age of social media, the whole point is simply to lure plenty of eyeballs — or to use the phrase, “clickbait.”

Jazzy headlines pull you in, and that’s where you separate nonsense from actual stories.

The one that made me think of our flamethrower in the garage was a “poll” (supposedly voted on by all NFL players) to rank the top 100 players in the league).

Talk about silliness.

No breakdown between inside linebackers and running backs. 

What’s going on here is that the NFL wants your attention all day, every day.

And THIS poll could get to you talking to your pals.

Why?

Because Patrick Mahomes is not No. 1.

In fact, he’s fourth — behind Tyreek Hill (seriously), Christian McCaffrey and Lamar Jackson.

OK, here’s what I can say to hand a little credit to the NFL.

They hooked me.

I read it.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press four times each week, normally Tuesday through Friday unless, you know, stuff happens.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”