MLP: Keeping it real, part 1

If you are a writer, you’re (there’s that apostrophe, standing in for missing letters, twice!) likely as irritated as your (no missing letters here; sayonara to Mr. Apostrophe) Mrs. Language Person by the avalanche of abuses of this simplest kind. She simply can’t (she can not; see those missing letters?) abide the carelessness.

Does English butchery make you real mad? Your MLP surely hopes not. 

Real means true; it really (as in truly, hinted by those adverb “-ly” suffixes) does. Really is an adverb form of real, so technically neither word should mean "very." Go there at your peril, Dear Reader, lest your MLP think less of you. Admittedly, “really” has so often been misused for “very” that dictionaries have come to accept it as a secondary meaning. Yet never, never does “real” mean very.

All right (alas, once the only correct version of “alright”), please forgive MLP her impolite implication [please note that a speaker implies (to suggest or express indirectly) and a listener infers (draws a conclusion from some evidence)] and accept (but only except if you disagree) a little advice (noun), about which Mrs. Language Person hopes now to advise (verb) you.

Yes, that sentence was awkward. Try as she may, MLP’s attempts to sound clever tend to be less than entertaining (fewer in number, less if by degree). Besides (in addition), she’s eager (but not anxious — a word that means nervous, rather than enthusiastic) to set (to place upon; whereas to sit generally requires chair) these everyday (i.e., common) terms to paper, examining words well-used beside (next to, as opposed to besides) those abused and misused. 

Described thus in pairs, she longs to see if they may (or may not, as it could go either way, which is not the same as saying they can, which means they are capable) affect (verb, to impact) common use of English every (or each, but to use both “each and every” is mind-numbingly redundant) day.

Whew. Deep breath (a noun without the "e," which would transform it to the verb form "breathe"). Don't let it faze (disturb) you, dear Reader. MLP phases (verb, establishes gradually) lessons for word nerds in phases (noun, increments over time).

Lie back a moment and relax. Or lay this newspaper down. The latter always has an object on which it lays. The former simply means "recline."

Those two are easily confused when tired. MLP lays down her book of an evening when she lies down to rest. You may lay your body upon a sofa, Dear Reader, but you lie awake at night, when the body is unmentioned.

With English grammar, it’s the principle that seems to have eroded. Our ethics shape our principles (noun, beliefs). MLP is the principal (adjective, primary) fan of Coeur d’Alene Charter Academy’s principal (noun, chief or head honcho) Dan Nicklay, a position he’s held since man discovered fire. Now there’s a gentleman who knows his English grammar.

That would make him older than human history (do cave paintings count?). “Than” endeavors to compare. If you mean therefore or next in time, please use "then."

Oh dear; your MLP resorted to teasing. Time to nip this one in the bud (such as one nips the bud from a plant, not “the butt” of low-minded jokes). 

If you’re a gluttonous grammarian for punishment, stay tuned. Your Mrs. Language Person plans another installment of common faux-pas (the “s” makes the French term plural), lest our beloved yet undervalued English teachers finally abandon all hope of any teachable version of this language surviving the woeful neglects of modern society. 

 CU L8R.

• • •

Your Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are columnists for the Hagadone News Network who wonder how anyone could learn a language increasingly lacking rules or definition. Then again, they are snitty old biddies. Commiserate or complain to sholeh@cdapress.com.