The Exhausted Dad: Corruption and waste in Adventure Bay

People love to complain about local government, especially during election season. As much as I understand such frustrations, I try to be positive. I think, “It could be so much worse.” We could be residents of Adventure Bay. That town is a clown show.

Parents of young children know Adventure Bay and just how bonkers it is when it comes to public resources. I had two boys obsessed with Adventure Bay, to the point where I still had to take them both to the theater to see the second documentary on the subject, “PAW Patrol: The Mighty Movie.”

You know how you can go to cdaid.org and find information on the various departments that are supported by taxpayer dollars? Well, let me give you a taste of what that looks like in Adventure Bay:

The police department. Number of employees: 1. It’s a dog.

The fire department: Number of employees: 1. Another dog.

Public works and construction. Number of employees: 1. A dog.

Waste management: Number of employees: 1. A dog that recycles. The trash is your problem.

Did I mention the dogs aren’t even full grown? They’re pups! And they all drive around in heavy machinery. Obviously, another dog manages the DMV. 

As a town situated on the ocean, Adventure Bay has a water rescue dog too. Aerial rescue is also provided, which seems a little unnecessary for such a small town, but, shockingly, the idiot residents of Adventure Bay regularly rely on Skye (you guessed it, a dog) and her extremely dangerous-looking helicopter to save them from ridiculous peril.

Actually, I shouldn’t say all the residents of Adventure Bay are idiots, because the PAW Patrol spend 75 percent of their time rescuing one person: Captain Turbot, a boating aficionado who repeatedly finds himself in life-threatening situations. According to PawPatrol.fandom.com, Captain Turbot is a “smart marine biologist” (let me see that degree) who is also the “best human friend” to the PAW Patrol. If they’re friends, it’s only because the PAW Patrol rely on his tomfoolery for consistent business.

These vital city services are overseen by a 10-year-old kid, Ryder. I have a 10-year-old who can’t keep track of his backpack, let alone the entire vital infrastructure of an oceanside city.

Ryder is empowered by Mayor Goodway, a human with only slightly better sense than Captain Turbot. She lives at City Hall (lives there!?) and is obsessed with her pet chicken Chickaletta in ways that would make Gonzo the Great jealous.

Mayor Goodway acts like she’s morally superior to the mustache-twirling mayor of neighboring Foggy Bottom. She’s not. Mayor Goodway is legit corrupt.

I know this because of a storybook my youngest son forced me to read to him at least 100 times. It involves the PAW Patrol digging for gold, and, after a run-in with rapscallion Mayor Humdinger of Foggy Bottom, the PAW Patrol give a huge pile of gold to Mayor Goodway to use for the benefit of Adventure Bay.

I could think of a thousand ways to spend that gold. How about a real fire department? Does the Adventure Bay Homeless Shelter have every resource they need? Heck, I’d even give a few thousand bucks to Captain Turbot just to see him skip town and never return.

Instead, Mayor Goodway creates a giant golden statue of Chickaletta and sticks the ugly thing in the middle of Town Square. Kiss the ring, PAW Patrol, and bow to your supreme leader!*

Honestly, I don’t even blame the dogs. If you were an excitable little dalmatian, you’d probably take the keys of a fully operational fire truck as well.

I’m just saying, I’ve put in hundreds of hours of research into the actual worst-run government in America. It’s Adventure Bay. So quit complaining.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 6-12. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.

*Note: Apparently, I’m obsessed with this infuriating little detail about PAW Patrol, as I already complained about this same statue in an “Exhausted Dad” column from Aug. 22, 2021. It’s egregious!