The Exhausted Dad: No Swifties in the house but me

Nobody wants to go to “The Eras Tour” with me.

I’m confused, given the makeup of my family. I don’t want to assume, but it seems to me that most middle school kids follow at least some popular music trends. In contrast, my 12-year-old daughter likes music, and really, individual pop songs, but she couldn’t care less about the musicians who make them. I’m not sure if she could identify Taylor Swift if she was standing right in front of her.

The only artists I’ve ever heard her talk about were Ariana Grande and Ed Sheeran, and in both instances, she ranted and raved about how much she disliked them.

In fact, I believe these are the only statements she’s ever verbalized to me about pop music in the past two years:

“So and so loves Ariana Grande, but I can’t find a reason to care.”

“Ugh, what is so great about Ed Sheeran? He’s just a guy who sings. Like, OK.”

“Dad, I know your favorite song is 'Wrecking Ball' by Miley Cyrus. It’s pretty good… I guess.”

My 8-year-old daughter, on the other hand, loves all kinds of music but especially gravitates toward pop, and while she still prefers the Kidz Bop versions of pop songs, I suspect that won’t last much longer. Her favorite radio station? Hooptown 101 with classic hip-hop and R&B from the 90s and 2000s. That’s her dad’s favorite station too, duh.

As for Taylor Swift? Just a whole lot of ambivalence from her.

I’m honestly shocked because it seems like EVERYONE loves Taylor Swift right now. Back when my 12-year-old was just 6 years old, her favorite song was “Shake It Off” (coincidentally my favorite song at the time). Ask her about “Shake It Off” now and she’s like, “It’s pretty good… I guess.”

Who is the only real Taylor Swift fan in the house? It’s me. Hi. I’m the lonely Swiftie, it’s me.

I had the “Folklore” record on repeat for a big chunk of the pandemic. Nobody else cared.

I bought the “Midnights” CD to play in our car during our recent summer road trip to the Oregon Coast. They listened to it once and asked me to switch it out and keep playing the rebooted “Little Mermaid” soundtrack.

Here were the family reviews of “Midnights:”

My 12-year-old: “It’s fine.”

My 10-year-old song: “It’s good.”

My 8-year-old: “I like it. Can you put “The Little Mermaid” soundtrack on now?”

My 6-year-old son: “How much more driving?”

Even my wife is against me on the Taylor Swift front. She said, “I don’t know, it’s good, but I guess it all just sounds the same to me. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal.”

Blasphemy. Time for marriage counseling, obviously.

Look, I understand the sentiment. Society at large needs to calm down with the constant Swift updates. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen any musician as popular as Swift in my entire lifetime. It feels more like a Beatles-type of phenomenon more than anything else.

Also look, I can’t handle the constant Swift chatter I hear from the mob of 20-something classmates at school right now. Before this year, all the football talk on campus centered around fantasy football chatter on Monday mornings. Now it’s all about Taylor sightings and conspiracy theories about how NFL games can be analyzed to reveal the release date of Taylor Swift albums and tour dates.

Nevertheless, I like the music. I want to see “The Eras Tour,” but I never thought once about spending the hundreds/thousands of dollars required to see it live. With the movie version now in theaters, I want to be in on the zeitgeist, just like everyone else. Well, everyone else except my own wife and kids.

As someone who’s been writing about movies for 20-plus years, I go to the movie theater by myself all the time. I have no problem telling a 15-year-old employee, “One ticket please to ‘The Retirement Plan’ starring Nicolas Cage.” In fact, I may have been the only person in America to see “The Retirement Plan” in theaters. Point being, I live a solitary existence for the sake of cinema.

But I can’t go see “The Eras Tour” by myself. It just seems like too big an opportunity to creep out other moviegoers. I’m also not going to see “The Eras Tour” with any of my Swift-obsessed colleagues at school. Because, I’m just guessing here, the group of 20-something women in my program probably don’t want to experience the concert with this gray-bearded father of four who spends his Saturday nights catching up on “The Golden Bachelor.”

So thanks a lot, beloved spouse and children, for making me miss out on the cinematic experience of the year.

Footnote: Upon learning about the existence of this column, both my daughters offered to see the movie with me. Then I looked on the Regal App and realized my Unlimited Movie pass didn’t apply to “The Eras Tour.” $20 a ticket!? I Knew You Were Trouble, Eras Tour. Now we’ve got Bad Blood.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 6-12. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.