The Exhausted Dad: Saying yes to the dress and no to everything else

Shopping with my oldest daughter is a danger to my bank account.

Like her dad, my 12-year-old daughter likes to collect… things. Anything really, but she focuses on a few categories: 1. Everything related to Barbie. 2. Books and writing journals. 3. Rubber band bracelet materials and all things crafts. 4. Sweatshirts.

All the other clothes don’t matter to her. You can take her shopping for clothes and shoes, and she won’t demand anything more than she needs. She’ll take a new sweatshirt at any opportunity, mostly because she regularly loses them at school-related activities.

Of course, the problem with taking her shopping for clothes is all the non-clothes temptations at stores like Ross, TJ Maxx, Target, etc. On a recent hunt for leggings, my daughter requested that I purchase the following items for her:

• The Barbie from one scene in the “Barbie” movie that looks like all the other Barbies for sale but costs three times more. And no, it wasn’t Western Barbie or Rollerblading Barbie. Those I could see as being premium versions.

• Three different water bottles. Reasonable request, except that we have about 600 water bottles in the house already.

• Various Squishmallows. I refer you to the column I wrote a few months ago about my kids’ obsession with Squishmallows. It’s weird.

• Various slime canisters. All of which will end up dried out and baked onto our dinner table.

• A Spider-Man toy for her youngest brother. But also another Barbie because both were on sale.

• Numerous other items I forgot.

I said no to everything. It didn’t stop her from asking for each about 4-5 times. Nevertheless, I have an effective system for refusing child purchases:

Rule 1: Always walk briskly inside the store. I locate what I’m searching for and promptly purchase it. If I don’t find it, I leave the establishment immediately, moving at a near jog and usually raising the suspicion of the security guard/greeter. You don’t need to worry about me, stores, but feel free to check the security tape. Meanwhile, I gotta go before my daughter weasels me into buying something.

Rule 2: Pop-Pop gets a treat. I don’t buy cool things for kids unless Dad also finds something cool to purchase. I don’t buy treats or beverages unless I’m getting something. Even then, I’ll probably just buy the drink for myself and make the kids settle for their lukewarm water in the bottle they left in the car.

Rule 3: Pretend I’m hard of hearing. After the second request, I simply stop responding, or I say, “Asked and answered.” My kids really hate it when I say, “Asked and Answered.”

My 12-year-old challenges these rules more than the other three, as she’s the most interested in things. My oldest son, however, would happily take about a thousand dollars of “Minecraft” in-store currency. And all of them can’t resist a cheeseburger request whenever we drive by a McDonald’s or Wendy’s.

Even when I agree to a treat, my oldest daughter pushes the limits. I took her to get a flu shot this past weekend, and while we waited endlessly for our turn inside the Walgreen’s Pharmacy, she plundered the store for various prizes, all of which were either too expensive or too worthless (in my opinion).

For example, she really wanted a tiny tin filled with putty and a plastic Zebra charm. It cost $3.50. It should’ve been on clearance, buy-one-get-three-free at the Dollar Store.

She finally settled on a Mystery Squishmallow, and, you guessed it, the cost of said Squish doubled her budget. She agreed to pay me the extra four dollars from her own money once we got home. Conveniently, she couldn’t find her stash of cash.

My 12-year-old daughter, unfortunately, also knows the true workaround to my Three-Rule system of refusing to buy needless things for my children. She just goes shopping with Mom, and apparently my wife doesn’t follow the same system. Last time they came home after shopping for pants, my 12-year-old had a new Barbie, a new journal and two additional items that were specified as gifts for Christmas.

And I wonder why nobody wants to go shopping with me…

• • •

Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 6-12. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.