THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: Of course Mariners want Ohtani — but what does Shohei really want?

There are a ton of emails in my laptop.

Roughly 338 million, according to a quick count.

OK, there aren’t quite that many, but I had to pick a number — and I just learned, from relentless coverage of pro football, that Taylor Swift has 338 million followers on her various social media accounts.

So, it sounded like a fun number.

Most of my email collection, however, has to do with baseball; specifically, will the Mariners actually spend some money to sign some free agent hitters?

The name of Shohei Ohtani appears on every message, which is hardly a surprise since he will be pursued by all 30 teams.

Or 29, if we leave out Oakland.

The second-most desired offensive player, by my count, would be Cody Bellinger — although the distance between Ohtani and Bellinger on Seattle fans’ wish lists would give you the impression that Cody is giving up his job as the Pirates’ head janitor to take a shot at playing the outfield in MLB.

Believe it or not, I read every one of these emails, although I usually skip over the first paragraph, which is always the same.

“Do the Mariners have a realistic shot at signing Ohtani?”

HMMM.

My answer: Sure, if they open the bidding at a half-billion dollars over 10 years, and then throw in the Space Needle.

Along with some of the San Juan Islands.

In truth, I suspect that three or four of baseball’s wildest spenders will wind up in a check-writing contest for Ohtani (and no doubt some franchise will agree to playing 10 or so home games in Tokyo as part of its bid).

Then. 

Shohei will sign with the Dodgers for the major-league minimum.

Yes, I’m kidding.

About the minimum.

But about the Dodgers?

Pretty much everyone in baseball believes that’s where he’ll land, whether they throw in a Premium Gold All-Access Pass to Disneyland or not.

However.

There is a legitimate ray of hope for the other 28 clubs (including the Mariners) that drool just thinking of Ohtani in the lineup next season — and back on the mound in 2025.

The truth is that we don’t know what Shohei really likes or wants, and all the thoughts and plans that have been attributed to him — beyond the single statement that he wants to win — are actually just rumors.

Or mistranslations.

Remember, Ohtani came to the States too soon to make really giant money the first time around.

And knew it.

HE WAS in massive demand, and if he’d waited out the complicated system required to leave the NPB (Japanese baseball), he could have landed the Brinks truck sort of deal that’s coming along now.

Instead, the Angels got him for next to nothing.

So, maybe.

Maybe money doesn’t mean that much to Ohtani.

Perhaps he DOES want to win, and that’s about it.

His reaction after striking out Mike Trout to clinch the World Baseball Classic certainly points in that direction.

As for geography, we don’t know much about that, either.

There is a general belief that Shohei wants to live on the West Coast, but he’s never actually said it.

When he came to the States originally, the National League still didn’t have designated hitters, so his choices were cut in half.

For all we know, he chose the Angels because he found a great translator at Knott’s Berry Farm.

IT’S A genuine mystery.

During all this time in Anaheim, he really hasn’t let anyone inside the smallest inner circle since Stonehenge.

He’s been a friendly but distant teammate, so none of the Angels have much clue what Ohtani might do next — or why.

The wide assumption that the game’s best player will land with the Dodgers basically rests on two things.

First, they win.

Routinely.

Second, he wouldn’t have to move (although that isn’t the same hassle for a sports mega-star as it would be for you and me).

Shoot, maybe he hates Southern California.

Plenty of people do, and a lot of them wind up in the Northwest.

In Kootenai County, for that matter, although it would be an awkward commute from Coeur d’Alene.

Of course, teams might agree to just about ANYTHING to get this lad on the roster.

Maybe he fancies some land on Hayden Lake.

YES, I’M joking, but don’t be shocked if a team makes a bizarre or outrageous compromise to get Ohtani signed.

Like letting him pitch every seventh day in ’25.

Or play first base once each week.

Seriously, there is an actual puzzle here for organizations that do want to be included in the Ohtani sweepstakes.

They may have a timing problem.

Do they hold back on any major spending, hoping to blow the whole budget on a Japanese Babe Ruth?

Or should they just go about trying to fill holes on their current roster, pretending Ohtani doesn’t exist — but still keeping around $600 million under the mattress, just in case?

Here’s something to ponder about the Mariners, and the endless criticism that they either don’t have money, or that they refuse to spend it. 

Shelling out for Shohei Ohtani would hush up a few million people.

That would be great fun.

Better than a few rides down the Matterhorn.

At night.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press four times each week, normally Tuesday through Friday unless, you know, stuff happens.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”