‘Fast X’ races to franchise oblivion

To measure a “Fast & Furious” movie on any kind of objective standard is as futile as trying to understand all the garbled dialogue uttered by its franchise star Vin Diesel. After 11 installments, you’re either ride-or-die with the Toretto Crew or you aren’t, but even for the loyalists, “Fast X” is a test of endurance.

Somewhere around movie No. 4, the “Fast” franchise committed to the idea of never letting a character ride off into the sunset. Adversaries to Diesel’s Dominic Toretto eventually become allies, and almost everyone escapes death, no matter the size of the explosion. Another key character gets definitively “blown up” in “Fast X,” and yet there’s less than a one percent chance he/she won’t somehow turn up in the next one.

Assembling such a deep roster of familiar faces no doubt keeps the franchise bankrolled, however, the difficulty of balancing such a huge ensemble crushes the momentum of “Fast X.” Only a handful of characters appear in more than 2-3 scenes, and the movie exhaustively cycles through several meandering subplots until some of them converge in a bombastic-if-familiar climax.

Is it really a flex to include four Oscar winners in “Fast X” if none of them appear for more than 10 minutes? Helen Mirren shows up for three minutes. Rita Moreno leaves the movie after two short, early scenes. Brie Larson is largely an afterthought here, and, well, at least Charlize Theron gets two admittedly fun fight scenes.

The main thrust of “Fast X” is a retcon involving the franchise’s best installment, 2011’s “Fast Five.” Turns out the big bad in that movie had a deranged son, Dante, played here by “Aquaman” star Jason Momoa. Dante, out for revenge, has concocted a Joker-level supervillain scheme to make Toretto and his family suffer for taking Daddy’s money. It’s OK if you don’t remember much from “Fast Five,” because “Fast X” opens with a speedy version of that movie’s climax, with Dante inserted into a few frames. It’s probably the best action scene in this movie (Whatever you think of the franchise at this point, “Fast Five” rules).

Momoa runs wild with his villainous character, flailing and quipping about to the point of exhaustion. While far from menacing, Momoa at least shows some personality, which is largely absent from the rest of “Fast X.” Diesel remains as stiff as ever, and main crew members Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris and Nathalie Emmanuel remain flatly written and inessential. Sung Kang returns as Han but with very little to do, and even an extended cameo from a lively Jason Statham plays like a preview for another movie.

John Cena, the big bad from “Fast 9,” reappears as Toretto’s brother Jakob, newly reformed and now allowed to crack a smile. He fares better with a subplot that’s directly tied to Diesel’s battle with Dante.

As for the car-related mayhem, “Fast X” has relentless-if-flawed setpieces, with the best involving the crew trying to stop a giant bomb from exploding in Rome. The bomb rattles around the city like a pinball in convincing fashion until director Louis Leterrier (stepping in last minute for franchise regular Justin Lin) begins to rely too much on shoddy CGI wizardry.

The movie ends on a cliffhanger too, and just in case you thought you didn’t see your favorite character appear, don’t worry, because “Fast X” throws a couple more in at the credits. “Fast XI” or “Fast X Part II” or whatever they decide to call it will include at least 20 main characters, with Nicolas Cage somehow still not included in the lineup.

Is “Fast X” good? Of course not. But I’ll see you at the next one, anyway.

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Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.