Phelps: ‘If you’re struggling, voice it’

COEUR d’ALENE — For years, Michael Phelps didn’t recognize himself.

"For a long time I looked in the mirror and saw a swimmer, not a human," Phelps said Monday.

Around 2004 is when he began experiencing an emotional roller coaster of depression.

“I kind of just shoved it down, just kept going, didn’t really talk about it,” he said.

He had a few more bouts with depression through the years and checked himself into a treatment center in 2014.

“I actually didn’t want to be alive,” Phelps said. “I thought about committing suicide. I was like, ‘Something has to be done. I have to figure something out.’”

Phelps, the most decorated Olympic swimmer of all time, was joined on stage in the gym Monday by his wife, Nicole Phelps; Lake City High School junior Luke Sharon; and Karin Gornick, producer of the 2017 film "Angst," as they delved into a mental health discussion with the whole school in attendance.

Michael Phelps said he wanted to teach everyone about his struggles with depression and anxiety. When he’s in those moments, he said, he feels like he's all alone and the walls are closing in.

"I didn’t really know what to do or who to turn to," he said.

Now, he has his wife, a support team and tools that have helped him throughout the journey to where he is today. He said on the days when he wakes up not feeling well, he has learned to take time for himself: deep breathing, journaling, going to the office, talking with a therapist or exercising.

"If I’m taking care of myself, then I’m able to be the best dad, the best husband, the best friend," Phelps said. "I don’t swim that much anymore, but if I'm in a really bad place, then I go."

Phelps appeared Sunday evening at the Kroc Center, then at Coeur d’Alene High School Monday morning and Lake City in the afternoon. He came to town to share his mental health journey with the high schools and a select group of middle schoolers at the request of students Sharon and Coeur d’Alene High senior Alexander Nipp, members of Coeur d’Alene Rotary’s youth organization, the Coeur d’Alene Interact Club. The students raised the money and led the campaign for Phelps’ visit. The Sunday event brought in funds to pay for the high school appearances. The only district dollars used were for transportation to bus the middle school students to the high schools.

"For a lot of us here at Lake City, we haven’t had a year without a student tragedy. That really got to me," said Sharon, who started Mental Health Week at his school during his sophomore year.

"I had a friend this year who passed away, and that was deeply personal," he said. "When there’s a student who commits suicide, or there’s a student that has an overdose, it doesn’t feel incredibly personal because maybe you didn't know that student. But I knew the student this time, and that was this year. That’s why I really jumped on this initiative with Alexander ... it’s people like my friend who needed that resource, who needed something like this and that could have saved his life."

That’s why raising awareness around mental health is so important, Sharon said.

"If we can save a life, that is the best thing. I think that’s the biggest accomplishment I could ever do," he said.

Sharon and Nipp gathered questions from their peers to ask the Olympic gold medalist, such as if he had ever felt like giving up and what kept him going through his swimming career.

Phelps said it was all about setting goals for himself.

"I wrote my goals on a piece of paper from the age of 11 until I was 32 years old," he said. "Did I want to quit? 100%."

In high school, he entertained the idea of giving up swimming and taking up golf. Instead, he put everything he could into swimming, which he made into a successful career and led him to be a mental health advocate.

Sharon asked Nicole Phelps how she handles her own mental health while caring for her husband when he struggles.

"It’s easy to forget that even if you are OK, per se, you’re actually not because you’re not only carrying your weight and whatever your struggles might be, but you're also carrying the weight of the person who’s struggling," she said.

She said one thing she learned on this journey is that she couldn’t change, fix or make Phelps better.

"The only person that can make Michael better is Michael himself," she said. "It took me a long time to accept that."

Phelps said he first became public about his struggles because he didn’t want to feel the way he felt anymore.

"I make a joke that I learned to communicate at the age of 30," Phelps said. "Just talk. Express what you’re going through."

One of his mottos is, "Be you."

"Be who you are," he said. "If you’re struggling, voice it. Talk about it."

Filmmaker Gornick said a big part of the process is for people who are struggling to be able to identify the symptoms and signs. Her film, "Angst," is about removing stigma and raising awareness around anxiety.

"Anxiety and depression shows up differently for everybody," she said.

Nicole Phelps said she realizes she runs out of patience with her family when she begins to experience a mental health struggle. Michael Phelps said one tool he uses when his mind wanders into a dark and scary place is to "turn the channel."

"Your mind is a TV," Phelps said. "If you just turn the channel on that and think about something else, you kind of just go along and you’re happy again."

Nicole Phelps said anxiety is living in the future and depression is living in the past.

"The most important place you can live is right now in the moment," she said. "There is safety in living in the present moment, so when you start to spin and you start to get anxiety because you're future-tripping ... bring yourself back into the moment, ‘I’m here right now, I cannot affect my future today, right this moment, I can’t change my past.’"

Michael Phelps said for those struggling, they are not alone.

"I go through it every single day," he said. "I would encourage you to be yourself. I think that's something that’s so important."

When he set out on this journey, he was hesitant and afraid.

"I didn't know what to expect, and I didn’t know how it was all going to go," he said.

He said for those who are afraid of seeking professional help, he was once there, too.

"You might not find the right therapist the very first time. Keep it going, try to find the right person," he said. "For me, I forced myself to find the right person to hold myself accountable so I have a chance to be better."

Phelps established the Michael Phelps Foundation in 2008 to promote water safety, healthy living and the pursuit of dreams.

Nipp said the Phelps events went better than he could have imagined. Sharon said they were amazing.

"That guy’s awesome," Sharon said. "That’s something we absolutely need. We need more mental health awareness in Kootenai County. We have a higher suicide rate than average. Anything we can do to get more awareness."

If you or someone you know is having mental health challenges, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available for free and confidential support 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

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This story has been updated to reflect that Luke Sharon is a junior.