The exhausted dad: A perfectly-executed morning schedule

If I had a choice in the matter, no activity would be allowed to begin prior to 11 a.m. I didn’t enjoy mornings before I had kids, and now, for the past 11 years of parenting, I really don’t enjoy mornings.

It’s hard enough to get myself out the door on time. Nowadays, my wife and I oversee the transfer of four kids to three different schools, all before we can even think about the musts on our own schedules.

Three of our four kids wouldn’t ever make it out the door without major assistance. Our oldest daughter, 11, hates mornings as much as I do, and for some insane reason this country keeps making school start earlier as you get older. Little kids love getting up at the crack of dawn! Start their school at 7 a.m. and let the moody middle and high schoolers begin at a reasonable hour!

In addition to a blaring alarm clock, she often requires a personal wakeup call. By the time she’s standing, she’s lucky to have five minutes before rollout. Common occurrences include wild bed head, foul breath and many a forgotten notebook/homework/lunch/water bottle/band instrument, etc.

The younger three go to school at the same time, thank goodness, and they all wake up at least 90 minutes before we need to leave. That will never be enough for my younger daughter, 7, who takes about 35 minutes to pick out a pair of pants. Then the hair… well, it needs to look perfect and match the corresponding outfit. Say goodbye to the rest of the morning.

My youngest son, 5, required complete assistance at the start of his kindergarten year. These days, however, he’s mastered an efficient and (mostly) effective morning routine. He dresses early, makes his lunch (easy to do when you only eat granola bars and pretzels), brushes his teeth and gathers all his items into his backpack.

Unfortunately, no matter how much he accomplishes throughout the morning, the last five minutes often descend into chaos. His shoes will be on backwards. The coat zipper snatches his T-shirt. He needs to go potty just as we’re walking out the door.

Some days he walks out to the car without his backpack entirely. Or his coat. Or his shoes. Basically, no matter how prepared he seems to be for the day, he’s still 5 years old.

My oldest son, 9, can’t stand any of this nonsense. This kid prefers a rigid schedule, and he hates it when anything creates a delay. We have a big timer on the front of our fridge, and my son uses it for all sorts of activities. For his daily reading log, he sets the timer for 20 minutes. If he pauses to do ANYTHING while he’s reading, he stops the timer. One time I saw him stop the timer just to scratch his knee. When the timer buzzes, he closes the book immediately. There will be no unsanctioned reading!

At 8 a.m. in the morning, every day, my son sets the timer for 30 minutes. He uses that time to dress himself, make his lunch, pack his bag, brush his teeth and comb his hair. He usually accomplishes these tasks within the first 20 minutes. Then, every two minutes after, he finds me to provide a status on the timer.

“15 minutes until it’s time to leave, Dad.”

“13 minutes until it’s time to leave, Dad.”

When the timer buzzes at 8:30, he promptly heads downstairs, puts on his shoes, coat and backpack, and then stands in front of the door. It takes him about three minutes to do this, which leaves seven minutes everyday where he is absolutely FURIOUS with his two siblings.

“We need to leave! I’m ready! Everybody needs to get ready! Why aren’t you ready? You’re NEVER ready!”

He knows we don’t even attempt to walk out the door until 8:40, and honestly, we usually miss that deadline by a good 5-7 minutes each day. Look, the school is just down the road! We always make it on time! Usually!

Since his uber-preparedness stresses everybody else out (myself included), we’ve recently instructed him to go outside, open the van door and situate himself. It prevents him from exploding at the rest of us, except now he thinks he needs to be out the door even earlier.

So now, at 8:29, he’s downstairs standing ready to go in front of the door.

“Can I go out the door now?” he asks repeatedly until you tell him yes.

Unless there’s some ice on the side of the driveway to stomp on and kick (because no kid can resist stomping and kicking ice), the rest of us walk out the door (at 8:53 or whatever) to find him sitting in the car with his seatbelt on and a furious look on his face.

“We need to leave! Get your seatbelt on! Hurry! Why did you take so long?”

I can understand his stress. He likes to be ready and prepared. What a great attribute, right? But, sorry kid, I’m not a morning person, and you ordering me around like this just makes me want to pick you up 15 minutes late after school every day.

Of course I would never make one of my kids wait for me after school on purpose. I’ll be late because I’m not much of an afternoon person either.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 5-11. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.