The Exhausted Dad: A Christmas of bizarre requests

The Grinch once thought, “Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more.”

My kids took this message to heart this year. Because the stuff they want isn’t in stock at Target.com.

Having four kids means receiving four Christmas lists, and though my wife and I never promise to obtain every request (or even half), the process of shopping for them can be stressful and time-consuming.

This year, that challenge increased with a few strange requests.

My 12-year-old daughter wants to visit the filming location of her current favorite television show, “High School Musical: The Musical: The Series.”

• First, no, I cannot explain the concept of the show or how it relates to those old Disney Channel Movies. I haven’t spotted a Zac Efron or Vanessa Hudgens anyway.

• Secondly, the show is not set in an exotic location. They make the show in a real high school somewhere in Salt Lake City.

• Third, almost every high school looks the same. My alma mater, Coeur d’Alene High School, was featured in an independent film called “Teenage Dirtbag.” I saw the movie. I didn’t remember seeing anything uniquely specific to CHS. Because all high schools look the same.

My 10-year-old son requested a new, large remote-control car. I asked him why he wanted another one after receiving that exact thing last Christmas.

Him: “OH YEAH! Where is that?”

Me: “I’m not sure you even took it out of the packaging.”

Then he added “batteries for his remote control car” to the list.

He also wants food items for his favorite Squishmallow friend, Leneard. If you read last week’s column, you know Leneard is a rainbow hair-colored Lion who apparently eats hundreds of slices of pizza every day and is a very influential presence in the house. I don’t know if my son wants actual pizza, or toy food or what. But it’s on his list and I don’t know what to type into the Amazon search bar.

My 8-year-old daughter wants more rubber bands and hair bows. She already owns about 16,000 of these, and she likes to put several dozen fasteners into her hair most mornings before school. She went to her annual doctor check-up, and she wanted to have her height measured from the top of a giant bow, adding a good 6-inches to the official number.

Sure, I can easily buy more hair bows. But the house can’t store any more of them.

My 6-year-old son wants Spider-Man and Ninja Turtle stuff. I’m good with that! The problem is, he wants MY Ninja Turtle stuff, as in some of the toys I kept from when I was a kid. He’s a bit rough with his toys, in my opinion, so I’m always like, “How about this NEW Ninja Turtle thing from the NEW movie? NEW IS BETTER!”

I’m sure he’ll like whatever I give him, but he’ll also make a comment about how it doesn’t look like the one he really wanted. That one is from 1988, kid! I can’t just replace Michelangelo’s arm if you break it off!

I don’t want anyone to think that I’m complaining here. I absolutely LOVE these requests, even though I won’t be able to deliver on some of the requests. Given the current price of flights to Salt Lake City, I told my oldest she can choose between that and a future semester of college.

Their requests reminded me of some of my own unique requests.

• If I’d had thousands of dollars when I was a kid, I’d have spent it all taking a tour of every filming location of “Jurassic Park.”

• I wanted accessories to my stuffed animals and toys to add variety to imaginative play. And I really wanted my Ninja Turtles to have their own pizza.

• I currently own approximately 16,000 Minnesota Twins baseball caps, and I don’t have any more space in my closet. Still, I’ve got two caps in the shopping cart at MLB.com right now.

• If my youngest son breaks the old Turtle toy he wants, then I get to enjoy the chase of finding it again on the second-hand market. Shopping for collector’s items is more fun than owning them.

Above all, not one of them asked for a cellphone this year, even though they all absolutely want one. You have a better chance at Utah, kids.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 6-12. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.