If you asked a movie critic: New Christmas movies, Disney’s ‘Wish’ woes

You didn’t ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

One of my favorite recurring columns by the late, great Roger Ebert was The Movie Answer Man, where readers of his reviews wrote in to ask him random, film related questions.

With the readership of The Press somewhat below that of Ebert in his prime, we don’t get enough movie-related questions to fill a column. However, if I FABRICATE the questions, then the column works great!

For some reason, even when I write the fake questions, the made-up readers of The Press make aggressive and negative comments about me. I’ll mention it to my therapist next week…

QUESTION: Hey, Tyler, are you fighting a War on Christmas? Why haven’t you reviewed any of the new Christmas movies this year? Are you anti-Christmas?! — Harry Bailey, Rathdrum.

I love Christmas, Harry! Where’s your fellow Wet Bandit, Marv? You catching my reference, Harry?

While I haven’t dipped my toes into the season’s latest Hallmark-style offerings, I did see Eddie Murphy’s high-profile Amazon comedy, “Candy Cane Lane.” With Murphy’s output consistently inconsistent, I hoped all of Amazon’s heavy promotion for the movie meant they believed in its quality.

Unfortunately, “Candy Cane Lane” is bloated and bizarre. Murphy stars as a recently-laid-off father who makes a deal with a nefarious elf (Jillian Bell) to win his neighborhood’s decorating contest. After stunning the neighbors with a spectacular display centered on “The 12 Days of Christmas,” the display characters (Leaping Lords, various birds, etc.) come to life and escape. Murphy must capture the five golden rings or else he’ll turn into a figurine. Crazy, right?

At two hours, the movie has plenty of opportunity to provide laughs. Instead, the story unspools aimlessly, giving Murphy and co-lead Tracee Ellis Ross (“Blackish”) little material other than reacting to increasingly ridiculous pratfall set pieces.

I also watched Amazon’s other high profile holiday entry, the animated DC Comics entry, “Merry Little Batman,” about Batman’s son stumbling into the latest Joker plot to destroy Gotham City. Another castoff from Warner/Discovery/Max, “Merry Little Batman” aims at a younger audience while functioning as a tolerable piece of superhero content. The animation style, boasting, um, severe alterations to random human body parts, can be distracting at times, plus a folksy Luke Wilson is an odd pick to voice Bruce Wayne. My 6-year-old liked it at least…

My family is also begrudgingly invested in the second season of “The Santa Clauses” on Disney Plus. The continuation of the Tim Allen movie series is apparently a megahit for the streamer, and the first season, at least, conjured occasional charm (and a few unexpected cameos for fans of the original movies). The second season, much like the first, lacks any sort of narrative momentum. Rather than six, 30-minute installments, the stories from both seasons could probably be trimmed into a couple of solidly amusing 90-minute movies.

QUESTION: Once again, Disney went broke by going woke! Their new animated musical “Wish” bombed at the box office, as did “The Marvels.” Hey, Tyler, what can Disney do to be successful again? Trick question: The answer is: Stop being WOKE. — Henry Potter, Post Falls.

Wokeness aside, Disney is trying to replicate their 2019 strategy for box office dominance without realizing how much they fundamentally altered their audience’s consumption habits over the past few years.

Disney spent SO MUCH MONEY to fuel the growth of their new streaming service (Disney Plus), adding several Marvel shows, as well as content that tickles the fancy of nostalgic millennials (it’s the only reason the “Santa Clauses” show even exists).

The pandemic exacerbated a more permanent shift in audience engagement, where many, especially older audiences, choose to consume most of their entertainment at home. There’s like 900 streaming services now, all of which continue to raise their membership prices, and going to the theater costs an absurd amount in most venues. Most people can’t afford to pay for all these things and still be expected to decimate their life savings for a trip to Disney World.

“The Marvels” failure was inevitable for Disney, as little outside of “Spider-Man” has generated moviegoing interest in superheroes since the colossal success of “Avengers: Endgame.” The latest MCU film was also, confusingly, a sequel to three different projects, two of which were Disney Plus shows. Disney, taking advantage of production delays stemming from the recent Hollywood strikes, are now basically using 2024 as a breather from the MCU (minus a “Deadpool” sequel which isn’t really part of the family-friendlier overall universe).

“Wish,” on the other hand, is a misfire of a different type. The marketing for the movie never clarified what it was about, other than an Easter Egg-filled celebration of Disney’s 100th anniversary. Bluntly, it’s also an inferior product compared to recent output. The original music, outside from a couple decent tracks, lacks the punch of something like “Encanto,” a movie that also didn’t perform well at the box office (though at the height of the pandemic) yet still found an enormous following once it debuted on Disney Plus.

Again, the Plus is serving as a Minus for the Mouse House. The studio trained audiences to expect the movies for “free” on the streaming platform within a relatively short period of time, so why should families go drop $150 at the theater. They’re already giving you money every month, Disney! You can’t have ALL the money!

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Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.