The Exhausted Dad: Kids take over the parenting column

Early December is now one of the busiest times in my life thanks to studying for Final Exams and cranking out Final Papers. As a result, I didn’t have time to write a fresh column this week.

Instead, I asked my four kids to write one. I told them to write about their Dad as a parent, or at the very least, about their lives in some capacity.

They did NOT follow my directions.

Three of the four kids wrote from the perspective of their stuffed animals/Squishmallows. My oldest daughter, on the other hand, decided to use her space for educational purposes.

I present all four below, with minor spelling and grammar alterations.

The 12-year-old’s section:

So today will be a very important educational seminar about cheeseburgers.

Now, wait, before you crinkle up this newspaper and say, “This is garbage,” hear me out. Many people are uneducated on this topic.

A cheeseburger consists of at least three things: A bun, a patty, and cheese. Now before you say, “What if I don’t want cheese?” understand that then it’s a hamburger. End of story.

It must be in this order: Bun, patty, cheese, condiments, lettuce, tomato, pickle. But any other order and you will be sent to fast food prison forever.

The 10-year-old’s section — Leneard the stuffed animal’s opinion on Dad:

(Leneard speaks in the third-person, by the way)

Hi, this is Leneard, the rainbow lion Squishmallow. Today, Leneard is going to talk about Dad. Leneard likes Dad because he feeds Leneard one thousand pizzas for Leneard’s lunch. Leneard and him are best friends.

The only thing that Leneard doesn’t like is he doesn’t save enough pizza for Leneard.

Leneard’s kids and wife love it when Dad says “Goodnight.” The kids are always laughing when he calls them Rodger or Amanda and stuff like that. These are not the kids’ names.

Also, Leneard is 30-years-old.

Banks’ opinion on Dad:

He’s cool, I guess.

(Editor’s note: It’s too hard to remember ALL the names of my kids’ various stuffed animals. Banks is one of them, and sometimes I accidentally call him Rodger or Phyllis.)

The 8-year-old’s section:

(Dialogue between my 8-year-old daughter and one of her stuffed animals)

Sushi: “Hi, I’m Keina the sushi Squishmallow, but you can call me Sushi. What I think about my owner’s dad is they used to eat a lot of sushi, but now they don’t eat enough sushi. Ugh, here’s something that my owner has to say…”

Sushi’s Owner: “Hey Sushi, don’t be so rude!”

Sushi: “Ugh, fine!”

Sushi’s Owner: “WHAT YOU SAY!? Sushi, go in time out! Dad is great.”

Sushi: “Awww, man!”

The 6-year-old’s section or “Choco’s” opinion on Dad:

(Choco is a brown lion)

“Hi, I’m Choco, the stuffed animal. Sometimes Dad calls me Rodger or Taco. Also he gives me tacos.

He makes me laugh. HA HA HA! Like that.

The End.”

(Editor’s Note: I’ll try to learn some of the other stuffed animal’s names on winter break, after Finals. Or instead, I will finally sleep).

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 6-12. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.