The Exhausted Dad: Don’t be the worst one at the party

Some invitations for kid birthday parties include the clause, “Siblings welcome.”

Whenever we receive such an invitation, we send the host parent a text that asks a simple, three-word question:

“Are you sure?”

Because if one of my kids attend a “siblings-welcome” party, that invitation becomes a “Plus Five.” Three siblings and two parents.

That’s right, if all four of my kids are going to a party, then whenever possible, my wife and I attend together. Because it’s hard work! While the kids enjoy the party games, jumpy houses, birthday cake and goodie bags, us parents make sure our offspring don’t do anything crazy in front of the other, possibly judgmental parents in attendance. Four kids require four adult arms, minimum. Mostly for carrying all their stuff.

The most recent “siblings welcome” party we attended was a pool party, which came with even loftier expectations: 1) This host family obviously makes significantly more money than we do, all but guaranteeing the house we visit will be A) Cleaner, B) Bigger and C) Full of material goods that didn’t come from a thrift store or garage sale. The other parents might also ask us about stocks or yachts or whatever rich people talk about while sipping on their $8 sparkling waters. (I’m mostly kidding; they were very nice!)

2) A pool party requires so much more planning and gear. We need to bring swimsuits, goggles, floaty toys, life jackets, towels, sunscreen, extra clothes, extra towels, snacks for the picky-eating 6-year-old and a present for the birthday boy/girl that you hope the kid won’t criticize in front of the other attendees.

High pressure! Luckily, after many years of practice taking these crazy children out into public places, I’m proud to say my family usually keeps their (expletive deleted) together while interacting with other humans in the world.

And really, in my experience, your kids don’t need to be the “best behaved” children at the party. Kids will be kids after all, and other parents, despite what they might try to convey to strangers, understand that little humans can be unpredictable. They’ll occasionally fight with each other or scream bloody murder at the sight of a shifty-looking horsefly. Totally fine. Kids never need to be perfect, and, really, it’s better in the long term if they feel comfortable simply acting like themselves when interacting with other kids and families.

Just don’t be the worst one at the party.

Other parents know what I’m talking about. There’s usually that one kid who stirs the pot, raises “H” or musters too much malarky. And if that kid’s parents are at the party too, you’ll usually find them standing in the back corner, pretending they didn’t just see their kid pour three bottles of Gatorade into the swimming pool.

At this particular pool party, I went into the pool to help my 6-year-old son feel more comfortable, as he’s still getting used to the idea of swimming in deeper water. Every second I was in that pool, this other kid at the party kept splashing me in the face and violently pinching my arms.

“I’m a lobster!” she’d say. “Prepare to be pinched!”

It hurt! I tried to resolve it myself. I used my words. Then I ignored the behavior. Then I tried to make eye-contact with the lobster kid’s dad just to see if he might intervene and rescue me from this harassment.

I never caught his eye. He was in the far corner of the backyard, talking about his fantasy baseball team or something.

Fortunately, her reign of terror ended with the arrival of pizza and high-quality birthday cupcakes (these people own a real pool, so you know the cupcakes were fancy). Lobster Girl went on to make memories for other parents at the party, to my great relief.

Two of my kids, by the way, had a brief screaming match in the pool over an accidental splashing. One of them had to sit on the edge of the pool for a couple minutes for repeated rule violations. But you know what? Nobody else at the party remembers that. They were normal, brief moments typical of most siblings.

Plus, compared to Lobster Girl, my kids looked like the most well-behaved kids on the planet.

It doesn’t need to be true, of course. You just don’t want to be the family anybody remembers.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 6-12. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.