If you asked a movie critic: Shark movies, Oscars for ‘Barbenheimer,’ more

You didn’t ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

One of my favorite features written by the late-great film critic Roger Ebert was his “Movie Answer Man” series, where readers wrote to him with all sorts of random film-related questions. Ebert’s readership always dwarfed that of the Coeur d’Alene Press (duh), so I’ve never received nearly enough questions to warrant such a column.

Unless… I made up all the questions!

For some reason, even within my own creation, these fabricated questions from imaginary people are aggressive and extremely critical of me. I should really talk about this with my therapist.

Anyway, on with the fake questions and real answers!

Everybody knows “Jaws” is the greatest shark movie of all time. Well, maybe you, Tyler Wilson of the Coeur d’Alene Press, don’t know because you’re too busy playing with your Ninja Turtle toys. Anyway, are there any other good shark movies? — Roger M. Klotz, Hayden.

Hey, Roger, I resent that! They’re collectable figurines!

Forget shark movies. “Jaws” is one of the greatest movies of all time, no matter the genre. It’s so good that nothing else comes close (especially those diminishing “Jaws” sequels).

I do have a soft spot for the cheesy, violent “Deep Blue Sea” from 1999, mostly because of the Samuel L. Jackson sequence. You know the one if you’ve seen the movie.

As for good shark movies, the 2016 thriller, “The Shallows” starring Blake Lively delivers some exciting sequences. “Open Water” from 2003 also manages to build considerable tension from its tiny budget. It’s a cheat to say 1978's “Piranha” and the ridiculous 2010 remake, “Piranha 3D,” but they’re essentially riffing on “Jaws” by replacing the deadly aquatic animal and upping the gore.

Some people seem to like “The Meg” from 2018, but that Jason Statham adventure doesn’t do enough with its outlandish premise for me. This summer’s sequel, “The Meg 2: The Trench,” meanwhile, is one of the dumbest movies to ever grace a big screen. It’s mostly terrible, though Statham does get to kick a bad guy into the mouth of a giant shark. I recommend YouTubing the clip and skipping the movie.

“Barbie” and “Oppenheimer” keep making gobs of money. They’re also some of the best-reviewed movies of the year. They should win all the awards, but elitist critics like you will probably push for some weepy drama to win all the Oscars. Do you think those Hollywood elitists will do the right thing and celebrate “Barbenheimer” at the Academy Awards? — Beebe Bluff, Post Falls.

Hey, Beebe, tell me about this weepy drama. Sounds perfect for my Top 10 list!

It’s true that box office behemoths don’t always get the love they probably deserve at the Academy Awards, though things like “Avatar: The Way of Water” and “Top Gun: Maverick” broke into the Oscar race as recently as last year with a bunch of nominations.

The “Barbenheimer” phenomenon is something else altogether. Coupled with rave reviews and huge profits, it will be hard for the Academy to ignore either movie come Oscar season.

Realistically, “Oppenheimer” appears to be the frontrunner for Best Picture at this point, as the fact-based drama fits more easily into the “prestige Oscar” narrative. Expect a ton of craft nominations too (Cinematography, Production Design, Editing), while Christopher Nolan sits in the No. 1 spot in Best Director (he’s never won, despite his now-legendary status in the industry).

“Barbie” will be a major player as well, with Picture, Screenplay, Production Design, Costumes and more looking like locked nominations. Greta Gerwig could be a sleeper pick to win Best Director as well. Whatever the outcome, the “Barbenheimer” alliance will eventually be forced to compete against each other.

In perhaps the biggest battle, you can also expect a tight race between Robert Downey Jr. and Ryan Gosling in the Supporting Actor category. Both are beloved figures doing some of the best work of their careers.

That being said, we’ve got several more months of movies to go. At the very least, the word of mouth on Martin Scorsese’s upcoming “Killers of the Flower Moon” indicates that it too will be competing in numerous top categories.

Whatever happens, the Oscar telecast this year will include some big titles, so long as the actor’s strike resolves and all those glitzy celebrities attend the ceremony.

What’s the best streaming service for movie lovers? Don’t act like a snob and say Criterion or MUBI. — Theda Funnie, Spirit Lake.

Geez, OK, Theda, do you have something against classics, foreign films and groundbreaking independent film?

Truthfully, while I’ve subscribed to those “snobby” services before, I’m balancing my streaming budget just like everyone else. As a full-time student with too many of my own kids, I unfortunately don’t always have the energy for more challenging cinema.

That’s why my answer is Amazon Prime. There are so many random movies on the platform, including more diverting, um, unchallenging options from the 80s and 90s. It’s the perfect place to find some random movie that you won’t mind falling asleep to halfway through the runtime.

As far as newer releases go, Amazon’s current contracts with studios result in both Paramount and Universal titles eventually filtering onto Prime. If you don’t mind waiting several months, the stuff you find on Paramount Plus and Peacock eventually lands there.

As for the others, Disney Plus provides the best family content, and our house cannot currently live without “Bluey.” Hulu gives you the best random TV options, and Max… well… I dropped “Max” when they dropped “HBO” from their name. It still has lots of movies, but their focus appears to be prestige television, which, while great, takes up too much of a time commitment.

Actually, forget it, I change my answer. The best streaming service is the totally free Pluto TV. Entire channels devoted reruns of “Judge Judy,” “The Price is Right” and “American Gladiators.” Who cares about movies when you can spend an entire night watching Bob Barker make patronizing comments to game show contestants?

• • •

Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.