THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: Arizona, enjoy those future football beatdowns in Big 12

If you need a heart surgeon to save your life, I’ve got the guy.

Unfortunately, he’s a total bozo when trying to run athletics business as a university president.

Meet Dr. Robert K. Robbins, top dog at the University of Arizona.

Or, I suppose that should be top cat.

Anyhow …

Last Friday, Robbins was ready to accept the plan presented by Pac-12 commissioner George Kliavkoff — a media rights contract with Apple TV.

The nine remaining schools (after Colorado’s defection) had seemed unanimous in taking the deal in a meeting on Thursday.

However …

Sometime in the night, FOX (sorry, I mean the Big Ten) came up with the money to lure Oregon and Washington to their conference in the Midwest — and New Jersey.

Once those two had decided to flee, the Big 12 was happy to extend invitations to Arizona, Arizona State and Utah.

They jumped.

You might ask: “If these schools believed in the Apple offer 24 hours ago, why the immediate defection?”

Oregon and Washington are decent brands, but they could have been replaced by San Diego State, SMU, even Tulane.

CHANGE of direction overnight, and Arizona — with its fellow travelers — were off to the Big 12, so Robbins had to come up with a reason to make such a move.

What had suddenly gone wrong with the Apple partnership, which would have guaranteed at least $20 million per school, along with far more money depending on subscriptions to Apple TV’s streaming service?

Ready?

Here was Robbins’ new take …

“Well, it would be like selling candy bars for Little League or Girl Scout cookies."

I’m sure that comment went over like a hot soup sandwich at Washington State, Oregon State, Cal and Stanford — the four schools described in one national story as “leftovers” from the collapsing Pac-12.

Robbins’ Arizona athletes are headed for mixed success in the Big 12, by the way.

The basketball program, thanks to the late Lute Olson (coached UA for 25 years, won a national title in 1997), should hold its own — even in a brutal hoops conference.

Ah, but remember football …

It provides 80 percent of college sports revenue and is the reason media networks have been pushing schools all over the map.

Arizona would need serious improvement just to be crap.

The “Mildcats” have not won an outright conference title since they captured the Border Conference in 1941.

Robbins now can sit through some fun football games in Morgantown, Orlando, and Ames.

Oh, and no problem with travel for all those so-called minor sports, eh, Doc?

There are a lot of serious decisions to be made by the four Pac-12 teams left behind — now jokingly called the Pac-4.

The American Athletic Conference, which lost three schools to the Big 12 itself, reportedly is willing to take any or all of the four survivors.

The Mountain West surely would be interested in some kind of hookup.

It they competed under the Pac-12 banner, they might retain Power 5 status and the playoff money that goes with it.

There are rumors that Stanford and Cal — the best-known of the “leftovers” – are actually discussing the situation with the Atlantic Coast Conference.

Perfect.

That would be the crowning joke of realignment driven by TV.

Stanford and Cal changing oceans.

IT’S JUST wretched, all of it.

I think of the athletes, coaches, fans, alums and everyone else down in Pullman, waiting on their fate.

That painful situation, inflicted on a proud university, made me want to throw up when I heard Robbins’ idiotic comment about selling candy bars — especially since he was happy to do it 24 hours earlier.

Sanctimonious clown.

The whole thing is ugly, and it’s the result of a bigger and older problem …

Why in hell did somebody decide that major American universities should have professional football programs?

Aren’t these schools about academics?

Don’t they teach you things to take along on a life journey?

Look …

I’ve lived and worked in Europe, and seen a lot of the world.

No one, not a soul anywhere, understands this bizarre American fascination with attaching zillion-dollar, 90,000-seat stadiums to universities — just to play six football games each year.

You can’t find a thing like it anywhere else on the planet.

Not like this.

The rest of humanity connects college with learning — not the preseason football or basketball rankings.

I seriously doubt that Princeton and Rutgers had this in mind when they booted each other around in 1869.

Rutgers won 6-4, by the way.

Wouldn’t have made for good TV.

Brother, times have changed.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press four times each week, normally Tuesday through Friday unless, you know, stuff happens.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.