THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: The Masters, and its effect on life itself

I have this theory about The Masters.

If the tournament is played in gorgeous southern sunshine, with the azaleas and magnolias blooming so bright that it almost frazzles your eyes, and …

If the battle for that prized green jacket goes right to the finish with a few of golf’s greatest stars hitting one stunning shot after another, and …

We get a worthy winner (bonus if it’s Tiger) instead of the closest challenger plunking a couple into the water at No. 15, then …

It’s going to be a great year.

Not just in the golf world, but wonderful in general for pretty much everybody.

On the other hand …

If thunderstorms roll in, halting play and maybe wiping out an entire day with Augusta National turning into a muddy mess (not the course, but everywhere spectators must try to slog), well …

I’m afraid that’s a bad omen.

Yes, even for the tournament itself, like the year (1973) that Tommy Aaron won after Sunday play was washed out and the marathon went on until late on Monday.

Aaron hadn’t previously won on Tour despite 14 runner-up finishes, and he never won again after that rain-splattered Masters.

Doesn’t that sound ominous to you?

WE MAY get a test of my “Masters dictates global happiness” theory over the weekend.

Oh, Thursday was pretty much perfect.

Heat and humidity kept the normally slick Augusta greens slow enough that they played like we find here at Twin Lakes Village, and the pros can light up the scoreboard with those sort of conditions.

Jon Rahm, Viktor Hovland and Brooks Koepka all shot 7-under-par 65s as the normally brutal greens just laid there for the taking.

That sort of weather removes all danger from the hills, slopes, and weird breaks that scream “Four-putt!”

“The only flat lies at Augusta are on the tee boxes,” Tiger Woods said.

But on Thursday, it barely mattered.

Defending champion Scottie Scheffler, the best player in the world, hit 16 of 18 greens but lipped out countless putts and still posted a 68.

Like Tiger a couple of decades ago, Scheffler normally would be seriously lurking from that position.

However …

Rain is forecast for the weekend.

A serious squall is apparently coming to Georgia and South Carolina (Augusta is right on the border), with wet weather predicted for today and a brutal storm on Saturday.

If we go with my long-standing belief about how The Masters affects just about everything, this weekend could be bad news.

Never mind Scheffler’s position — or Rory McIlroy AGAIN shooting par or above in the first round (five straight times) as he searches for the career grand slam.

You need to look at the bigger picture.

FRANKLY, I think you might want to chat with your financial advisor.

Ask about interest rates, and the fate of the dollar.

And at home, about that slightly clogged garbage disposal?

Take the chance if you want to go that way, but I’d get it fixed before the whole house smells like a sewer.

That’s just me, going on the results of Masters weekends past.

Sunny and exciting, we’re all in for a lovely year.

Sirens halting play, patrons who waited years to see this event now sloshing toward their cars, Tiger wondering if all the metal in his body could get buzzed by lightning …

It’s not a pretty picture.

A soggy Masters surely must be an omen.

It makes you think of the 1968 tournament, which Bob Goalby won only because Roberto De Vicenzo made a mistake when signing his scorecard.

The talented Argentinian actually played less strokes, but a pencil error cost him the green jacket.

Good grief, we don’t want to go there.

If you’re the optimistic sort, one thing about climate change is that it sometimes fools weather forecasters.

Maybe the weekend in Georgia will be sunny and stunning.

Or …

Something else.

I’m not saying I’m basing life decisions on each year’s Masters, but I’ve been stalling while my hip is getting stiffer — so I’ll probably get it checked.

Immediately.

Such a shame, because I was really looking forward to this year’s Masters.

McIlroy’s quest, Scheffler’s aim at dominance, Tiger giving it a shot and managing a painful 74.

Now I’m afraid we’re looking at a washout.

Be wary of the Masters, my friends.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press four times each week, normally Tuesday through Friday unless, you know, stuff happens.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”