The exhausted dad: Fun facts about Bananas Grande

“Humans and bananas share about 60 percent of the same types of genes.”

My oldest daughter shared this banana fun fact, and many others, with a couple of her friends at middle school last week.

One of them responded, “Nobody wants to talk about bananas.”

The other said, “Please stop saying weird things about bananas.”

My daughter came home upset. She loves reading those “Weird-But-True” books, and she loves knowing random things, especially about fruit, monkeys and monkeys that like fruit.

My wife and I asked her what the other 11 and 12-year-olds at school wanted to talk about instead.

“Ariana Grande.” She groaned. “I don’t even know who that is!”

To be fair, she’s heard plenty of Ariana Grande songs. “Thank U, Next.” “Break Free.” “No Tears Left To Cry.” They’ve been on the radio for years. My daughter doesn’t pay attention to song names or artists. She likes what she likes, and the details don’t matter much to her.

We played the songs mentioned above. She shrugged. “Kinda familiar, I guess. They’re just sorta generic.”

Boom. Shots fired. We got a Grande hater.

“What about ‘7 Rings?’” I asked. “The song that samples “The Sound of Music.”

She shrugged.

I played “7 Rings.”

“Oh, this song is catchy,” she said.

“That’s because she stole it from ‘The Sound of Music!’”

Turns out she knew another Ariana Grande song: “Rain on Me," which is a collaboration with Lady Gaga. My daughter knows Lady Gaga because her Dad likes Lady Gaga. Because Lady Gaga is a NATIONAL TREASURE.

We thought playing Ariana Grande songs would help our daughter engage a bit with her friends’ conversation.

“But I don’t care about Ariana Grande,” she said. “The banana facts are more interesting. All they want to talk about is how Ariana Grande has a perfume.”

One of these friends even gave my daughter an ultimatum. This perfume-obsessed 11-year-old said, “IF YOU DON’T LIKE ARIANA GRANDE, I’M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN.”

Can’t wait for these kids to start developing political opinions.

While the Bananas Grande showdown at school upset her, my daughter at least seems more confident about herself compared to my experience in middle school. Back in sixth grade, I never said a “fun fact” to anyone, and I learned a few heavy metal band and gangster rap names just so I didn’t get cornered into looking “not cool.” Did I tell anyone that the first CD I bought was TLC’s “Crazy.Sexy.Cool?” No. No, I did not. I stuck to the rivers and the lakes that I was used to.

My daughter’s sixth grade year began smoothly, despite not knowing too many other kids at the school. She found her “people” in band, and she dodged various friend dramas over the last few months. But some of these other girls are starting to behave “more grown up” compared to what my daughter wants to care about. She doesn’t want to talk about boys or makeup or who said what to who in third period. She likes bananas.

Ever since my daughter learned how to talk, she’s openly expressed her intention to never grow up. The idea of driving a car one day terrifies her. I can relate. Being an adult kinda sucks, right?

But my wife and I keep telling her that she may feel different about it at some point. She may even like Ariana Grande tomorrow, or next month or next year, or never. It’s all good. Just so long as she acknowledges Lady Gaga as a NATIONAL TREASURE.

In the meantime, we told her she can always tell her parents the latest fun facts about bananas.

Bananas are classified as berries! National Banana Day is April 19!

• • •

Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 5-11. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.