The stay-at-home dad: Slip ‘N Slide personality types

With temperatures finally reaching 80 degrees last week, my kids unkinked our 15-year-old hose and busted out the Slip ‘N Slide for the very first time.

They’d never used one before this summer, and they couldn’t rely on me to provide them with experiential advice on the classic summertime toy/injury hazard.

For the uninitiated, a Slip ‘N Slide sprays hose water onto a narrow strip of slippery plastic that collects into a tiny pool of water at the end of the “runway.” There are variations, but ours is pretty short, comes with two tiny, inflatable body boards and gently sprays water into the air along the sides.

The box warns “Not for ages 12 and up,” and honestly, that’s all for the better, because the only two experiences involving a Slip ‘N Slide I remember growing up weren’t warm memories. One time in elementary school I went over to a neighbor's house, watched a few other kids run and slam their bodies down hard against the lawn, and I assumed I could do the same without issue. When I jumped onto the slide it felt like I cracked my chest cavity and barely moved for two weeks.

The second memory involves a giant, adult-size Slip ‘N Slide that my then-soon-to-be wife’s dad set up in his long, hilled front yard. Everyone used giant innertubes and had an absolute blast riding the slide. Except me. I caught a stomach bug the night before and spent most of that day with my face in the toilet.

Hopefully my kids will make better memories, and for these first few backyard waterslide days, so far so good.

It might have something to do with their respective ages, but I immediately noticed how differently my four kids approach “fun” on the Slip ‘N Slide.

Personality No. 1: Harcore parkour

My 8-year-old son, the second oldest of the bunch, barely thinks before rushing onto the slide. He runs, drops and just lets whatever happen happen, flailing various arms and legs in different directions like the ninja he so desperately wants to be.

I worry about him the most, because the dude is THIN. We’re always trying to force food on him, and his tiny frame is most noticeable when he’s out there rocking his swimwear. It seems like even the slightest miscue will snap a limb. So why take such risks, my man?

Personality No. 2: Short stints, long breaks

My 7-year-old daughter, the third oldest, takes a few gentle trips down the Slip ‘N Slide before retiring back inside for long stretches of time. She’ll go to the bathroom, which always takes a while for her even before you add the complications of a swimsuit to the process, then decide she needs a lengthy snack or drink break. Or something else will distract her for several minutes at a time.

Personality No. 3: Wild puppy

My 11-year-old daughter, our oldest, likes the Slip ‘N Slide just fine, though she’s obviously on the verge of outgrowing it. What she does like to do, however, is unscrew the hose from the slide, hand the hose over to her sister and ask her to spray her repeatedly with cold water… sometimes straight into her face.

I call this the Wild Puppy because it reminds me of a dog my brother had years ago who LOVED to take a high-pressure stream of hose water straight into his mouth. He rarely drank water out of a bowl and instead just wanted the water blasted in his face.

Personality No. 4: He who must be served

Not surprisingly, my 5-year-old son, our youngest, expects his siblings to make the Slip ‘N Slide a joyous, effortless experience for him. He’ll lay down on the little inflatable body board, ask one sibling to block the spraying water on the side, then demand that the other two siblings push him down the slide and into the tiny-pool finish line.

Not only that, the other kids fetch his towel, his flip-flops and even goes to his room and picks out a new dry wardrobe for him once the fun ends.

The kid goes to kindergarten this fall, and I think he expects his siblings to be there with him working as his assistants.

The common behavior across all four personalities? Their failure to put the Slip ‘N Slide away, not to mention the pile of wet towels and soaking swimsuits that get dropped onto the bathroom floor.

Three of the kids may serve the youngest, but I’m the underpaid worker serving all of them.

• • •

Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 5-11. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.