The stay-at-home dad: Tracking kids via floor hazards

If I left my kids alone in the house for a day, I’d be able to figure out their full slate of activities just based on the status of my kitchen and living room floor.

Long ago, I gave up on the expectation that my kids would clean up after themselves without instruction/assistance. Their parents weren’t exactly the tidiest people before they opted to procreate, so as much as I want the house to be more organized, I accept a certain amount of chaos on any given day.

Still… What a bunch of slobs.

Even if I didn’t provide them the food, I’d know what they ate throughout the day. The evidence is all there on the floor:

• Granola bar wrappers. At least four of them everyday. For three years now, granola bars have been the go-to quick breakfast in the house. You’d think it’d be the easiest thing to throw away, right? Well, after 6,000-plus reminders, I still find the daily four granola bar wrappers somewhere between the living room couch and the kitchen trash can.

• Half-eaten granola bars stuck to the floor or the side of the couch. This is how I know if my 5-year-old (a notoriously picky eater) doesn’t care for the flavor of a particular granola bar.

• Half-sucked yogurt tube. The kids at least throw the empty ones away, but if my 5-year-old gets distracted by a toy or needs to go potty, I’m likely to find one of these pasted against a chair or bookcase.

• Cereal bits… the worst being Cheerios. All cereal can be messy, but why do the Cheerios seem to make the biggest mess? They roll everywhere and crumble into a million pieces at the slightest bit of pressure.

• Last night’s dinner, even after an extensive cleanup. We can sweep, mop and wipe the table off the night before, and yet, without fail, I’ll find bits of spaghetti, ground beef, noodles, chicken, etc. caked onto my floor under the table.

• Banana goo. They throw the peels out, thank goodness. But the smooshed goo of an abandoned piece of banana on my toes feels like something I need a vaccine for after exposure.

Activity wise, we often have piles and piles of play dishes and plastic food everywhere, as the two youngest kids enjoy playing Kitchen (it pairs nicely with the piles of dirty dishes I’ve already left in the sink).

My oldest son loves sketching and making landscape pictures, and he roves around the house with a pad, colored pencils and piles of white printer paper. So I find that paper all over the house, many with a single tiny shape or two, or a half-drawn character sketch. Dude needs to learn how to use an eraser.

While the Barbie dolls tend to be confined to the girls’ bedroom, my 5-year-old can’t help but drop little Paw Patrol landmines across the entire house, including the stairs. Stepping on a wayward Rocky or Zuma on the stairs can book you an 8-week stint with the physical therapist.

More activity remnants include thousands of bits of hardened Play-Doh as well as various Play-Doh container lids (thus all the hardened Play-Doh bits), smears of paint on the table and floor, wet paint brushes, tiny bits of clipped paper (usually wet and stuck to the table and floor because of those wet paint brushes), various scissors and colored pencils rolling around the floor, all of which make it dangerous to sit on one of our three Yoga balls in the living room.

Adding to the mess are about 67 different fuzzy blankets, no matter the season, and those will hide some of the most dangerous sharp toys (never step on a wadded-up blanket in our living room).

We must be especially vigilant with the technology in the house too. An iPad already touts a cracked battle scar after being abandoned on the floor and wrapped in a Schitt’s Creek throw blanket, and the bottom of my feet are permanently indented in the shape of Playstation controller knobs.

Anyway, we might be in the market for a housekeeper.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and a stay-at-home parent to four kids, ages 5-11. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.