The stay-at-home dad: Kid researchers tackle hot topics

Kids these days know way too much.

Previous generations learned from parents, teachers, TV and movies, the occasional book (let’s throw a bone to the newspaper as well) and… eventually, sparse internet content provided by America Online. Some of us still have the loud buzzing and dial-tones burned into our ears.

My four kids now can learn about anything in an instant. It’s unsettling, and every time I watch one of my kids type something into the Google search bar, I can’t help but hum the Bo Burnam song, “Welcome to the Internet” and die just a little inside:

“Could I interest you in everything? All of the time? Apathy’s a tragedy, and boredom is a crime. Anything and everything. All of the time.”

At least my kids are young and I control their supervised, filtered access to the internet. That won’t always be the way, but for now, the internet is fun and helps kids turn into knowledgeable, interesting people. Pray they never discover Twitter.

I try to soak up and remember the things they learn so I can continue being slightly smarter than them.

My oldest daughter, 11, for example, is currently enrolled in an online debate class for fun this summer. She’s learning the basics and going up against other kids her age on a variety of “kid-roversal” topics like homework and school uniforms.

She repeatedly chooses to go with what I would consider the less popular choices. She argued for the implementation of school uniforms, a topic I remember being particularly peeved about when I was a kid.

“How could you be in favor of wrecking a kid’s creativity and individualism?” I asked her, clearly showing my bias on the matter.

She answered matter of factly: “You know I thought that, but then I found some really good research on the subject that looked at self-esteem, behavior and learning environment in schools with uniforms.”

She showed me her research, and it made some convincing points with sound data to back it. Now I don’t know what to think about school uniforms.

My oldest son, 8, spends most of his days researching “Minecraft,” though a few other fascinating bits of knowledge soak into his brain, mostly related to bizarre animals of the world.

Every now and again, however, he drops Truth Bombs. Case in point, we were looking through some old pictures and videos of the kids as babies, as well as some of our old dog Mazie, who died more than 10 years ago.

We watched a video of Mazie patrolling our old backyard, and I told the kids I remembered how she made her own little path to the back of the yard and to the little hole in the fence where she could sniff and bark at the neighbor dogs.

My son stopped me mid-story: “You know that it’s actually better for your memory if you don’t take a picture or make a video, because then you remember it how it was, whereas now you only remember what you see in the video.”

My brain just about exploded.

Even our youngest, my 5-year-old son, is making me learn new things via internet research, and he can’t read or use Google.

It stems from his interest in superheroes, a topic I used to think I knew pretty well.

He’ll ask, “Who is stronger? Thor or Superman?”

The answer, of course, is Thor, because Superman is always getting taken out by anyone who knows he’s completely useless around Kryptonite.

He’ll ask, “Who is smarter? Bruce Banner or Iron Man?”

Maybe this is a little controversial, but I said Bruce Banner, because ego can be a bit of hindrance to good ol’ Tony Stark.

But then one day he asked, “If Wonder Woman can fly, why does she have an Invisible Jet?”

No clue. No clue whatsoever.

Thanks to the internet, we (sorta) discovered the answer. Actually, it’s complicated, because Wonder Woman, like Superman, hasn’t always had the ability to fly, and there are various origins of the Invisible Jet based on different comic book runs, and comic origins tend to change on a whim, and it’s hard to decipher what’s canon and what isn’t, and is the thing really, truly “invisible”… and, and…

Ultimately, we worked together through the various explanations (the less-than-totally-confusing stuff I shared with him anyway), and we came to a conclusion that felt both logical and true to the character. Yes, the 5-year-old and his emotionally-stunted dad came up with a rational answer.

“Wonder Woman can fly, sure, but she can’t necessarily breathe in space, so she’d need the jet for space missions, and, for Earth missions, just because she can fly doesn’t mean she wants to use up all the physical energy when she has an Invisible Jet readily available. Plus, you know, stealthy stuff.”

The internet is incredible, right?

Then that damn Bo Burnam song comes back to me…

“It was always the plan…

To put the world in your hand…”

Long, dismissive laugh.

“Could I interest you in everything? All of the time?”

• • •

Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 5-11. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.