On the first train to Flakesville

There’s a lot of white stuff flaking around — and I don’t mean the flurries falling from the sky.

Let’s not be coy here. In an already dry climate, we reached ground zero with the negative single digits outside — which means it’s gotten dryer than a fresh bleach and blowout. Humidity haters rejoice, but we all know that desiccated air leads to dehydrated skin.

Which means it’s time for the annual winter flake fest, the perennial peeling parade, the deteriorating dermis from the furnace grate facer. Psoriasis strikes back. Dry shampoo? More like dry-that-scalp-some-more dust (or jet stream, depending on your brand).

Break out the uber-lubricated, I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-butter medicated lotion … then shove it back under the sink. You can pull that back out in spring. For now you’re better off walking into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of olive oil. Slather those omega-3 and -6 fatty acids on the arid landscape that once resembled your epidermis. Blink three times and look down. Yes, your poor, parched skin has slurped it all up faster than a hound vacuums a forgotten sandwich. Apply a second, third and fourth round of olive oil as needed. For best results, set an alarm for 3 a.m. and repeat. You will wake up to glowing skin, which will immediately flake apart as soon as you step outside.

And if you make like a cat and curl up indoors? The only relief is in the temperature. With that heater blasting away you’re giving your sore and scaly skin the desert treatment. One way or another, the flake has settled in.

Really, it’s a losing battle. No amount of collagen, skin and hair supplements, vitamin E oil, or actual butter (less popular than ghee or coconut oil, but it is a technique some swear by) will keep the flakes from flying. You can try to exfoliate, but really, how will you keep up with the wintry wind sandblasting your fragile skin cells apart? You can husk, shuck and chuck, but at the end of the day, the dried skin’s all gonna roll.

Anyone who swears you can achieve soft skin in the winter is just a slimy lizard person trying to explain away their uncommonly moist flesh (or maybe they just have a really good humidifier). But if you want to find a little relief so you’re not shedding enough skin for an indoor beach, here are a few tried and true methods from the Definitely Not Lizard People of America to keep the flecks in check:

1) Butter pockets. Microwave two quarter sticks of butter so they’re runny, but not totally liquid. Poor into both pockets. Insert hands. Leave until butter hardens. Take a butter knife (it’s safer) and carefully sculpt a hand shape. Don’t remove. Your hands will look and feel softer, because they will be coated in butter. Meanwhile, your hands will be spared the elements. For a quick hack, use gloves instead.

2) Home spa. No need to take the time applying coconut/olive/sunflower/canola oil to your decaying skin. Simply buy out the grocery store with your oil of choice, fill the tub, and soak. For safety, please keep in mind the smoke point of your intended oil and don’t cook immediately after your treatment. Make it a microwave meal night.

3) The mummy. Dry air is dry air, but you can spare your face, scalp and hands by wrapping yourself from head to toe, day and night. Neither wind nor steady stream from the heater vent will be able to erode your outer layer. Breathable fabrics such as linen and cotton are comfortable choices.

4) On the go. Bring lotion with you and apply it constantly. Do not stop, even for a second. If you must break to eat, find a buddy and take turns eating and applying. Inconvenient, but effective.

5) Shower cap. Fill a shower cap with thick oil of choice (olive is preferred if you don’t mind smelling like a Greek restaurant, and who does?). Flip hair and head over, lowering hair into cap, and stand up quickly, tucking the cap over. Try not to let it spill. Use the extra on your hands and arms when it inevitably does. For best results, do this Friday night and shower Monday morning.

I’d swear by these techniques, but who are we fooling? Each of these buys you 10, 20 minutes at the most before you’re back to Flakesville. It’s best to give up, pretend it’s snow, and wait till spring.