The stay-at-home dad: The worst car in the world

My 5-year-old son only recently decided he enjoys looking out the window at the world during long car rides.

On previous road trips, he was either too young/sitting in a reversed car seat (greatly hindering the view) or more interested in the toys, books, activities and screens we provided him as entertainment.

Our recent vacation to western Washington came with a detailed commentary track provided by our 5-year-old. He spent much of his time identifying objects, buildings, people, vehicles and landscapes. Thank goodness that Washington, like Idaho, touts a variety of habitats for window observation.

We traveled across several bridges on the trip, and our 5-year-old shouted “Bridgy!” on every one, followed by pretty much the same observation:

“I love bridges! ‘Bridgy!’ is my catchphrase. I also love Minions!”

Near our vacation house on Puget Sound, we discovered two life size Minion statues on the property of a roadside home. So everytime we left the house that week we had to drive past those weird things. It came with a variation of the same observation:

“I love Minions!” I say, “Minions!’ as my catchphrase. Also, I love bridgys!”

I don’t know where this “catchphrase” business came from.

Then, after crossing a bridge outside Tacoma, our son noticed a convertible whiz past us in the left lane. Two people were in the car, their hair blowing wildly in the wind.

My 5-year-old lost his freaking mind.

“WHAT IS THAT?! OH MY GOODNESS! THAT’S THE WORST CAR I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!”

My wife, the driver, burst into laughter and just about sent us careening off that bridgy.

Once we restarted our hearts, we asked him why he had such strong feelings about the convertible.

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A ROOF! WHO MAKES A CAR WITHOUT A ROOF?! IT’S THE WORST CAR IN THE WORLD!”

We explained to him what “convertible” meant, but he wouldn’t tolerate such nonsense. He continued his outburst.

“WHAT IF IT RAINS? WHAT IF IT SNOWS? WHAT IF A PLANE OR A WHALE FALLS ON TOP OF THEM?!”

After a few minutes, he calmed down, but every few minutes during this last leg of our trip, he’d bring it up again.

“OUR VAN HAS A ROOF! ALL GOOD CARS HAVE ROOFS!”

“WHY WOULD ANYONE DRIVE THAT?”

“IT’S HOT! IT’S COLD! I WANT A ROOF!”

“DO THEY NOT WANT THEIR TIRES TOO?!”

At one point he complained about the color of the convertible. It was white.

“Our van is white, buddy.” I told him.

“WHO CARES!?” he said. “WE HAVE A ROOF!”

So if you own a convertible and drive around these parts, keep an ear out for a ranting, raving 5-year-old. He’ll let you know what he thinks about your life choices.

• • •

Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 5-11. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.