The stay-at-home dad: Reasons to go crazy and reminders to stay sane

A parent’s approach to conflict can vary, and what works to help some kids through emotional turmoil may not work for others. I don’t consider myself to be an expert by any means, and my wife and I make mistakes all the time. That’s parenting, right? Victories and failures that blend together, and you just hope you do more things right than wrong.

With our four kids, we really try to help them verbalize the roots of conflict and explore the whys of their big outbursts. “I feel” statements are important, because young siblings can fight about teeny-tiny things, and they often don’t understand why their brother/sister would be so upset about such a seemingly small choice in the first place.

As a bonus, open-and-honest discussions with our kids about feelings and how our words and actions affect others allow their parents to work on their own psychological issues.

I notice this most when I sometimes lose my own cool and fail to practice what I preach to my kids. I try to avoid yelling, but, in my occasional frustration, I tend to shut down, go “aggressive-silent” or be somewhat curt with the tone of my voice.

Nowadays, the kids call me out on this behavior using the same tactics we use on them.

If I’m not acting my best, I’ll hear things like,

“Dad, I don’t like it when you say it like that.”

“Dad, when you use that tone it makes it harder for me to do what you’re asking.”

“I heard you, Dad, but I feel upset when you keep saying the same thing over and over.”

All fair enough! That doesn’t mean I won’t grumble a few words under my breath for a second, but it reminds me to actually explain to them why I might be frustrated (“I feel…”) rather than display my feelings in a less-than-mature way.

Another big idea we preach in our house: Giving other people the grace and patience that we want ourselves. Because so much of negative/unhealthy human behavior stems from personal feelings and needs rather than whatever somebody else is doing within their proximity.

For example, at least half of all angry outbursts in our house can be attributed to hunger. Kids are just nicer with a full stomach.

And so, just how feeding our kids often solves conflict, the kids have learned to remind us of our own advice. In my less-than-stellar moments, I’ll sometimes hear things like,

“Dad, are you hungry?”

“Do you need to take a break?”

And sometimes, ever so rarely, the kids can simultaneously share their feelings in down moments and be a good role model to their parents. My personal favorite recent example was directed to my wife via an 11-year-old lumbering around the house one afternoon like Charlie Brown after another botched place kick:

“Mom, it’s OK. I’m just feeling off. I’m doing what I need to do to feel better. Please don’t take it personally.”

Wow, if we keep following their lead, these kids might finally have themselves a couple of mature parents. I swear we’ll probably figure it out before the last one heads to college.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 5-11. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.