Parenting anxious kids in the COVID-19 era

Last week I overheard my 5-year-old tell my 2-year-old to stop picking her nose or she will get the coronavirus. While her intentions were honorable, this comment was a reminder of the increasing emotional toll that the COVID-19 pandemic has had on our youth, especially for those who already struggle with anxiety.

While I stand by my family’s decision to reduce community contact, this decision has not been without its costs.

In small doses, anxiety is helpful. Anxiety helps ensure our basic survival. Anxiety also motivates us to study for tests, drive carefully, and attend to our children.

Excessive anxiety, on the other hand, can be destabilizing by over-activating our fight, flight, and freeze response. If a rabid dog approaches, you want this response activated. You do not, however, want to enter fight or flight mode when giving a presentation at work.

Our children are no different with the exception that they do not have the same ability to override this emotional response with more rational thoughts. For example, a few weeks ago, my 2-year-old woke up in the middle of the night hysterically crying because there were “snakes in her bed”. While adults may be able to calm their anxiety-producing thoughts using reason and experience, children are not as capable.

I am sure most can at very least understand that the circumstances surrounding the pandemic have increased anxiety in many of our youth. While social distancing remains a recommended means to slow the spread of COVID, this practice unfortunately does not align with treatment for anxiety and depression.

In a time when access to mental healthcare is limited, my hope is to provide recommendations for those struggling to parent anxious children.

1) Seek to understand the cause for behavioral difficulties. Children are not born oppositional. Children will do well if they can and I believe it to be our job as parents, teachers, and providers to figure out what is interfering with their success.

Consider the fight, flight, or freeze response. Children who are anxious about academic performance often find it difficult to calmly communicate their distress. Rather they might argue about doing their homework (fight), procrastinate (avoid), or feel confused how to start (freeze). Remember, children will do well if they can.

2) Validate your child’s anxiety. Acknowledging that an individual’s fear is understandable (and not silly) can be quite powerful. However, validation does not mean dwelling in this fear. If children only receive attention when anxious, anxiety will undoubtedly persist or worsen.

3) Aim for routine, practice flexibility. Alternating between in-person and online school or experiencing frequent changes in family dynamics can be stressful for youth. Children generally do better with consistency in their daily routine. However, if a child becomes fixated on needing routines/situations to occur in a very specific way, now is the time to start practicing otherwise.

4) Be mindful about how your child is receiving COVID news. While I don’t suggest lying to your children, limiting access to stressful information can be beneficial. Anxious children already excel at anticipating worst case scenarios. They don’t need our help. Remember, your kids are looking to you for how they should feel about a situation. Do not expect your child to be calm in a situation if you cannot.

5) Support, but don’t rescue. If we remove children from any situation that causes anxiety, we risk teaching them that they cannot handle their stress. If we allow a child to do online school because he/she is socially anxious, while the anxiety and behavioral problems might reduce, that child will most likely continue to experience social anxiety in the long term. Rather, and in most cases, we should try to support them in getting through the anxiety-provoking situation, thereby increasing their distress tolerance.

6) Take time to reflect on your own stress level. Just like your kids, you are at risk of being more reactive or emotionally distant if you are struggling with anxiety. Treating your own mental health symptoms may be one of the most beneficial decisions you make for your child.

7) Know when to seek professional help. If mood and/or behaviors are interfering with your child’s functioning (i.e. decline in academic performance, constant fighting, disturbances in sleep), then seeking consult with a mental healthcare professional is recommended. Although behavioral health treatment is often the best initial step in treating anxiety-based disorders, medication management can also be helpful.

Lastly, support leaders who support programs, who support your child’s mental health. When the opportunity arises, support increased resources for our schools.

While not a flashy new road or tax break, a school levy might be what secures funding for the school counselor your son has finally opened up to, the afterschool program that keeps your daughter away from drugs, or the debate team that raised your daughter’s self-esteem enough to apply for college. Vote for bills that support mental health workers and programs.

Idaho is consistently in the bottom five states for the lowest amount of mental health funding per capita. This unfortunate statistic means that when your child needs mental health services, the programs and treatment providers will not be there. Our community is seeing unsurmountable waitlists for pediatric mental health services.

If we do not fund these programs or support our mental healthcare workers, they will be forced to move to states that provide the necessary support. Those providers who stick around will suffer from burnout; a phenomenon I would argue is already occurring.

I know that love for a child is one of the most stressful and wonderful experiences in life, and as such, I urge you all to advocate for the mental health needs of our future generation.

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Hannah Nixon, Psy.D., M.P. works at Big Lake Psychological Services and Heritage Health. She has also recently become one of the first psychologists in Idaho to earn prescription privileges. Idaho is the 5th state to allow psychologists to earn a postdoctoral masters degree in psychopharmacology