HUCKLEBERRIES: A hilarious look back 25 years

I began writing this column in January 1985.

For more than three decades, it appeared in The Spokesman-Review, before migrating to the hometown paper in spring 2020 as the pandemic began ramping up.

That’s a lot of Huckleberries.

Today, to close out 2021, I have a sampling of Huckleberries from 1996, 25 years ago. Enjoy.

Bikinis? (Jan. 22, 1996)

Gadzooks! What’s going on in our schools? Seems a Coeur d’Alene third-grader got a mouthful as part of the nutrition curriculum, sponsored by Tidyman’s and the Lake City cheerleaders. Grade schoolers are taught about food content, nutritional value, calories and apparently more. Much more. The 9-year-old boy arrived home excited last week and informed his startled mother that he’d met cheerleaders and eaten fruit – AND bikinis. His mother hopes he meant zucchinis. But who knows these days?

Sexcapades (Feb. 19)

A home video found in an unrented Coeur d’Alene North condo gave Lake City officers an eyeful — two adults playing a naked version of Twister. Seems one evening a butterball in a white-laced teddy, her lover and a third party slipped illegally into Room 1519. After drinks, they frolicked. An anonymous caller alerted CPD Blue to the sexcapade. Officers found a vegetable tray, a black G-string and the steamy video. Later, Madame XXX, still wearing her nightie, appeared at the condo’s security office looking for her belongings and was cuffed. Cut and print.

Two Hollys (April 15)

At the Coeur d’Alene River Basin Powwow, Holly Houston was amused when asked, “Are you Holly Hunter, er, I mean Holly Houston?” Responded the mining spokeswoman, “I wish I were Holly Hunter. I’d have a lot more money.” Actually, our Ms. Houston probably is banking more cabbage now than when she was a Spokane TV news talking head – an occupation actress Holly Hunter experienced vicariously while playing a neurotic editor in “Broadcast News.”

One Small Step (April 29)

For the second year running, teacher Chris Naccarato’s class at Priest River Elementary welcomed a visiting NASA astronaut. This time, veteran shuttle Col. Jerry Ross came calling. The tykes made him feel right at home, too (read: there weren’t any tacky questions about going to the bathroom in space this year). With Ross looking on, students wearing headsets called out official NASA launch sequences before sending a cardboard Saturn V skyward. Everything was authentic, including the kid who carried the launch checklist clipboard and title of “Cap Com.” His name? Neil Armstrong, of course. Really.

Heroic Act (July 22)

Well, it isn't The Babe saving a dying kid by hitting home runs, but it's close: Shawn Lewis, 7, of Post Falls, became a Mark Rypien fan after being injured in a boating accident. The connection? Following the crash, sheriff's Sgt. Dan Soumas and KCSD marine deputies towed bloody Shawn, father Mike and a buddy to the nearest Spokane River dock -- Rypien's. Mr. & Mrs. Pro QB comforted the trio until an ambulance arrived. Mark, who's mulling retirement, also signed a color photo for Shawn. Let's hope Mark doesn't quit. Football needs decent guys like him.

Unturned Cheek (July 22)

Coeur d’Alene Nazarenes lost the war but won the fight – against Assembly of God at a Church League softball game July 12. Seems the Nazarene catcher didn’t like an Assembly player crashing into him with the winning run. So, he tracked the culprit down and punched him. No turning the other cheek there. That set off pushing matches all over Memorial Field, with younger brethren holding back their hot-headed elders. The lions were lucky these guys weren’t around two millennia ago.

No Proselytizing (July 29)

Thom Sadoski of Rapid Lightning Creek Road, Sandpoint, has discovered a sure-fire way to get rid of pesky door-to-door missionaries. All you need is a knife and a turkey. A few years back, Sadoski was trying to decapitate a full-grown tom when two soul-savers happened by on their appointed rounds. The sight of a bloody man holding a knife and a twitching carcass so unnerved the proselytizers that they skedaddled. Thom hasn’t seen them since. That’ll teach them for not calling ahead.

Smelly (Sept. 30)

Dum-ta-dumdum. Dum-ta-dumdum. Evil was afoot when sheriff’s deputies were called to investigate a smelly sleeping bag. A walker had found a hat under the Centennial Bridge, east of town. Then, a coat. Then, a woman’s purse. Finally, as he continued to walk, he spotted a sleeping bag – with something in it. And, whatever that something was, it smelled badly. Unnerved, the stroller called the cops without further investigation. Much to everyone’s relief, our Joe Fridays didn’t find a dead body when they unzipped the sleeping bag – just two more smelly sleeping bags. A crime had happened, though. The purse had been stolen. And those are the facts, ma’am.

Height Advantage (Oct. 21)

The congressman wore 2-inch heels this time. Yep. Incumbent Helen Chenoweth used her height advantage again when she debated 5-foot-11-inch Democrat Dan Williams in The Spokesman-Review building in Coeur d’Alene. That’s 5 feet 9 ½ inches of Helen, 2 inches of heels, and a couple more of hair. Two years ago, she towered over Rep. Larry LaRocco when the two squared off. That was part of her strategy. Image is everything in TV debates. And she made a visual impact that night with her height edge. In fact, someone from her camp tried to push the lecterns closer together prior to the debate to highlight the difference. And someone – from LaRocco’s camp, I presume – pushed them back. Of such minor things are elections made.

Manhunt Yields Elk (Oct. 28)

So, what’s a guy to do at 2 in the morning as he’s out looking for three lost hunters? If you’re a sharp fellow like Kootenai County sheriff’s deputy Kevin Mumford, you also keep an eye out for signs of elk. Kevin was one of the rescuers who spent 12 hours last Monday looking for three hunters near Fourth of July Pass. The hunters eventually walked out of the woods on their own. But all was not in vain for the searchers. Kevin noticed elk spoor. Later, he returned to the spot and shot a freezer full of meat.

Fake News

Seems Shoshone County Commissioner Sherry Krulitz took to heart the front-page advice in the Spokesman-Review. A list of 11 things to do and not to do “when the lights go out” included this one: “Keep refrigerator and freezer doors closed. If the door remains closed, a full freezer can keep frozen for two days.” Ah, would you believe 24 hours? Two days after the Great Ice Storm from Hell, Sherry opened her freezer to find that the food inside was frozen in name only. Everything was spoiling. She spent the rest of day trying to make huckleberry jam out of squishy huckleberries.

You can contact D.F. “Dave” Oliveria at dfo@cdapress.com.