The stay-at-home dad: A house full of sound effects

I’m not the type of parent who often compares behavior based on gender. All my four kids have unique personalities, and very few things I’ve seen from them fall into clear “boys” vs. “girls” categories.

Sure, my boys gravitate toward Hot Wheels and my girls prefer Barbie dolls, but much of that can probably be attributed to cultural norms. Anyway, all my kids like to play with each other’s toys, regardless of which aisle of the store they originated.

However, there’s one thing both my 8-year-old son and 4-year-old son do that never happens with the girls. I don’t know if it’s a gender thing or what, but the line in our household is clear.

Both boys constantly run around the house making BOOM, SMASH, SWOOSH and LASER sounds, often accompanied by twists, turns and flailing arms. My 8-year-old bounces from room to room, going “Budabudabuda, pshhhssshhhh, bowbowbowbow, swooosshhhhhhhhh, bzzzzststzzzzstt” over and over again, seemingly engaged in robot army combat.

He began doing this before he even ever said, “Dada,” and after seven years, the robot apocalypse continues. He’ll disappear for long stretches of time, finding an empty room to spin around, dash, woosh and shoot lasers out of his arms. I’d mistake some of his movements as dance moves, if not for the unrythmic “wadadawadapssssssssssbbbooommspwosh” sounds that come with them.

If you walk in on him and ask what he’s doing, he casually says, “Nothing.” It genuinely seems like he means it too. I don’t know if he just feels silly about describing the imaginary game to his parents, or if he just blacks out and goes to this other robot-fighting universe without realizing it.

My four-year-old makes all sorts of wooshing and laser sounds too, though it seems independent of his older brother’s adventures. If anything, my four-year-old likes to copy everything his older sisters do, and he never seems too interested in trying to impress his brother.

The other big difference? My four-year-old announces the identity of the sounds before he performs them. For example, here are his most frequent proclamations:

“Super speed! Woooooosshhh!” (runs around the house).

“Ice power! Psshhhhhhshshsh!” (runs around the house with arms extended).

“Heat power! Bbbzzzshshshssh!” (pretty much the same as ice power).

“Teleport! Anngg, Anngg Anngg!” (alarm noise). Wooooshsh!” (runs around the house then stops somewhere, pretending that nobody saw him running around).

“Reverse power! Beep, beep, beep!” (like a golf cart moving in reverse).

He doesn’t appear to be engaged in any kind of battle. It’s more like he’s practicing his superpowers in anticipation for his acceptance into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. Perhaps one day he’ll be ready to join his older brother and the other X-Men in whatever battle that’s taking place in the alternate dimension us Muggles can’t see.

My girls don’t make any kind of sound effects, and their imaginary games usually consist of characters and voices saying real words. They are more the singing type anyway, especially my 6-year-old, who will repeat any song lyric she hears (a gift that can be used for both good and evil).

However, neither girl has what I would describe as a “naturally melodic” singing voice, so it would be short-sighted to say their sounds are any more pleasant than the boys’ explosion noises.

And so I refer back to a column I wrote a couple months ago about the best tool in a stay-at-home parent’s arsenal: Noise-cancelling headphones. Drowns out the laser noises, Katy Perry lyrics and Ken-and-Barbie conversations with equal aplomb.

• • •

Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 4-10. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.