Unbelievable affordable housing plan unveiled

North Idaho housing crisis?

Gone!

Professor Wellington Arse, who holds four PhDs from the University of Lake Coeur d’Alene — go, Fighting Kokanee! — has developed an entirely new housing model that should quickly hand home-sweet-home keys to thousands of locals who can’t otherwise afford a place to live.

Available for purchase right now is Professor Arse’s deluxe entry-level home, which he said is perfect for a family of four.

“I call this, ‘Welcome Home, Doggone It!’” the prof proudly proclaimed. “One of America’s goals has always been to bring families closer together, and this baby will do that.”

Professor Arse said Welcome Home, Doggone It is available in multiple colors — Dirt, Mud and Dung are the most popular, he said — and construction can begin immediately. The homes sell for a mere $129,875, about one-third the median home price in Kootenai County. Of course, that doesn’t include the cost of land.

For those with a little more cash and the need for extra room, Professor Arse is offering a deluxe middle-class mansion he calls “Welcome Home, Shed Your Worries!”

For just $229,425 (land sold separately), you could be the proud owner of your very own Welcome Home, Shed Your Worries. While the outhouse isn’t included in the price, Professor Arse is offering a free shovel to the first 50 people who put down a $100,000 deposit. Construction can begin immediately, but because of the complexity of such intricate abodes, these homes have an estimated completion date of April 1, 2028, he said.

“Anything worth having is worth waiting for,” Arse explained, “except payment.”

For those who simply can’t afford even these extremely affordable homes, President Biden has some great news. In a program announced today, the president is offering 99.9 percent funding of any home, no strings attached. At an estimated cost of just $429 trillion to taxpayers, the program, called The American Dream Scheme, can be accessed by calling 1-800-tuf-shi

See HOUSING, A9