If you asked a movie guy - Halloween edition
One of film critic Roger Ebert’s most famous regular features was his Movie Answer Man columns. He answered hundreds of questions over the years, all from real people who had real film-related queries.
The Coeur d’Alene Press gets, umm, fewer questions. Luckily, I’m really good at answering fake questions from fake readers in the very-occasional Coeur Voice feature we like to call “If you asked a movie guy.”
It’s been a while since the last installment, so hopefully the fake questions are a little less aggressive than they’ve been in the past.
“What are a few horror movies that actually scare you? It seems like you would scare easily, so try to keep the list short, wuss.” - John Johanason, Post Falls.
Wow, name calling in the first question. So much for hoping for civility this time around.
Nevertheless, John brings up an important distinction re: the difference between the “best” horror movies and what scares us on a more personal, subjective level. While I scare pretty easily in real life, I don’t let movies linger in my brain for too long. Most of the time.
When I was real young, maybe 6 or 7, I remember sneaking into the living room after bedtime to catch moments of my parents watching “Misery.” I still feel icky thinking about Kathy Bates wielding that sledgehammer.
The velociraptors in “Jurassic Park” scared me the first time I saw them in a theater back in 1993. That night, I thought I heard rustling in the bushes in our backyard and wondered if a real raptor was stalking me. Clever Girl. Anyway, that fear faded the next day and I saw “Jurassic Park” in a theater three more times that summer, and probably 200 more times since.
I was also too young when I watched “The Shining” for the first time. I’ve seen it several times since (as it could be my favorite overall horror movie), but I still get creeped out by that woman in room 237.
In high school, “The Blair Witch Project” kept me up for a night or two. I don’t like camping or the outdoors in general, so maybe I overreacted to that one a bit. In 2002, the American remake of “The Ring” freaked me out, particularly when that ghost girl popped out of the TV at the end of the movie. It didn’t help that my then girlfriend/future wife spent the next several days terrorizing me by popping out of dark doorways with her long hair covering her face like evil little Samara. Thanks for that, hon.
In more recent years, plenty of movies have raised my heart rate, but the dread rarely lingers beyond the runtime. One exception: Steven Soderbergh’s deadly virus thriller “Contagion.” For a hypochondriac, that movie struck a nerve in 2011. It also served as an accurate predictor of 2020, so I guess all my fears back then were justified after all.
“Can you recommend some kid-friendly movies to watch as a family on Halloween? Don’t you have like eight kids?” - Marge Simpson, Springfield, Idaho.
I only have four kids, Marge. It’s a tough question though, because my kids’ tolerance for “scary” things varies. My oldest is nine, and she doesn’t like anything spooky. Case in point, she’s planning on dressing up as Arthur from the PBS cartoon “Arthur” for Halloween. The recent “Jurassic World” animated series on Netflix freaked her out, though my 7-year-old son wants to watch anything with ghouls and monsters. Our 3 and 5-year-olds will watch anything because FOMO (fear of missing out).
We did breeze through the four made-for-Disney Channel movies in the “Halloweentown” franchise last weekend on Disney Plus. Three of the four star Debbie Reynolds of all people, as well as original April O’Neil Judith Hoag. They’re about as good as your average Hallmark Christmas movie, but at least none of the kids had nightmares.
Honestly, the “Harry Potter” series fits the bill well enough for us (all eight movies are streaming on NBC’s Peacock service throughout October). Our youngest kids don’t seem fazed by all the fantastic beasts, and even our jumpy oldest daughter sticks it out through the giant spider appearances (though she covers her eyes from time to time).
“Alright, tough guy, what have YOU been watching this Halloween season? I bet it’s pretty lame. Say hi to your mother for me.” - Mahrk Wahlberg, Hayden
Tough guy? Really? I think this is the second time you’ve written in to this column, Mahrk, and both times you 1. Insulted me and 2. Made a weird comment about my mother. I don’t understand what’s happening, but anyway…
Aside from a few 1990s titles I watched in preparation for my podcast “Old Millennials Remember Movies,” it’s been a fairly light season so far. I watched “Sleepy Hollow,” Poltergeist” and “The Addams Family” movies for the podcast and...
“Hey, stop plugging your podcast, guy. Nobody listens to it”. - Mahrk Wahlberg, Hayden
Right. Sorry, Mahrk. I also watched “Relic,” a 2020 horror film that begins like a domestic drama. It’s about a dementia-inflicted elderly woman (Robyn Nevin) and her adult daughter and granddaughter (Emily Mortimer and Bella Heathcote) who move into her dilapidated home to help care for her. Eventually, some freaky things begin to happen around the house.
“Relic,” directed and co-written by Natalie Erika James, draws a clear line connecting the supernatural elements with the trauma of caring for a family member in the throws of memory loss. The metaphor is maybe a bit on the nose, but the performances by the main trio are stellar and the third act delivers some solid jolts.
That’s the highbrow pick. Other stuff I watched: Murderous robots terrorizing teens at a shopping center in 1986’s “Chopping Mall.” And I watched 1997’s “Wishmaster” for the first time, about an evil genie who turns 99 percent of wishes into opportunities to deploy gross-out makeup and special effects. Both are on Amazon Prime and definitely better than most of the Wahlberg filmography. I’m tired of you picking on me, Mahrk.
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Tyler Wilson has been writing about movies for Inland Northwest publications since 2000. He is also the co-host of Old Millennials Remember Movies, available everywhere you find podcasts. Nobody listens to it. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com
