Kids will do the darnedest things
Reporter’s note: Quotation marks show direct quotes from the media, such as a newspaper. All other commentary is from Your On The Street Reporter.
Report 5: The Spoils of Kiddie Litter
“Ga. 3rd-graders plot to attack teacher,” The Coeur d’Alene Press, April, 2, 2008
Police said a group of third-graders plotted to attack their teacher. They brought in a knife, handcuffs, a crystal paperweight, duct tape, and other items for the job. They assigned themselves tasks, including covering the windows and cleaning up afterward. See figures.
School officials alerted police after a pupil tipped off a teacher that a classmate had brought a weapon to school. Police Chief Tanner said the students planned to knock the teacher unconscious with a crystal paperweight, bind her with the handcuffs, and then “stab her with the knife.”
The figure shows the kiddie litter tools for their kiddies’ Phys. Ed. class.
After decades of government-funded studies, it has been discovered (as stated by a child psychologist in the newspaper article): “Children are people.”
And all along, we thought children did not become people until they passed through teenage purgatory.
The children, ages 8 to 10, were angry because their teacher had admonished one of them for standing on a chair. Here is your reporter’s take on this scoop:
Kiddie Alpha, “I stood on a chair, and the teacher scolded me.”
Kiddie Bravo, “What? Scolding is a job for parents!”
Kiddie Charlie, “What parents?”
The authorities claim the children would not have harmed the teacher. After all, what’s a little duct tape, a knife, a crystal knock-out rock, and a pair of handcuffs among kiddies?
Look at that “kiddie litter” in the figure. Pretty funny, eh? Then why are you not laughing?
News heard in an on-the-street locale of the alleged attack: As a result of this incident, the readings of “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” and “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” have been banished in the local schools. Local authorities claim Tom and Huck’s plots of illegal fishing and foolish fence painting would put too many irreverent ideas into the minds of pure and innocent children.