ADDICTION: Driven by fear

I have written once before about a year ago from the same place, yet again, the Kootenai County Jail. The last time I wrote apologizing for my actions in the community while under the influence of methamphetamine. Today I write for a different reason.

My mother who has more than 30 years of total sobriety asked me recently, “Why do I keep making the decision to use?” That led me back into places like this. My first answer was I don’t really know, but, that’s not the total truth. I’ve had a little bit of time to think about all of this. I have a different answer now.

Simply put, I’m scared to do things differently. I’m scared to change. I have been this same drug-using unproductive member of society for almost 25 years. I have let all of this negative fear influence all of my decisions.

I have had brief periods of sobriety (abstinence really) where I was doing really well for myself, but ended up getting scared to do well. I know that this all sounds like addict mind, but I really am scared of being sober, being something more than I have been for the better part of my adult life. I’m also scared of failing. Every time I fail, I use. I honestly do want a better life, one without drugs and all the drama it brings.

If any addicts out there have some words of advice for me, that would be great. Thanks for listening Coeur d’Alene. I appreciate all of you. God bless.

JASON D. SMITH

Coeur d’Alene