The stay-at-home dad Fear of the outdoors

Fear of the outdoors

My four kids want to go camping. They like the idea of staying up late, roasting marshmallows and sleeping in a tent. They’ve done these activities inside, in our living room, but the experience isn’t quite the same. For one, camping doesn’t typically involve watching Disney+ all night on a 55-inch TV.

Truthfully, my kids can’t go camping for real. The outdoors would destroy them. They can barely handle the “wildlife” of the backyard.

For one, they’re all terrified of wasps, or any bug that flies, really. Even a large speck of dust in the wind might trigger a panicked scream. If a flying bug is spotted in the backyard, all four children run inside. Not one of them has ever been stung by anything. How could they while hiding inside all day?

Now, I’m not exactly an outdoorsman. Despite growing up in Idaho, I never much cared for the woods or sleeping on the ground or, honestly, extended exposure to sunlight. My wife is better though, and we typically do all sorts of activities outside together - walks, beachgoing, swimming in the lake, etc. The kids love riding their bikes too, maybe because they think their helmets provide protection against wasp attacks.

So I don’t really understand the disconnect when it comes to the backyard or anywhere with a few plants, grass or trees. They freak out about EVERY. LITTLE. HARMLESS. BUG. They used to be cool with ants, but then our oldest daughter learned about “fire” ants in school, and now they even run away from the normal black ones. (“They could be camouflage fire ants.”)

I am forced to smoosh every spider that enters the house, even tiny ones crawling on the ceiling. I explain to them how spiders keep other bugs away, and in the absence of a spider, the kids will talk about how spiders are “creepy but nice and good.” But if they see one, forget it. All the kids yell “KILL IT, DAD!” over and over again until I am peer-pressured into arachnid murder. My three-year-old has a speech delay and even he says, “DADA SMASH!”

I still try to send my kids out to play in the backyard as often as possible (the 6-year-old especially needs to burn off some manic energy). They always complain and demand to play in the front yard, where they can ride their bikes and play in the driveway. But playing in the front yard requires my direct supervision and effort, and remember what I said about not liking sunlight? It’s really hard to look at my smartphone screen in the sun.

The backyard, on the other hand, is completely fenced and free from all actual danger. Again, they only last about five minutes.

Last week, I sent them out to water the garden and play in the grass. Almost immediately, I hear my five-year-old daughter screaming. I walk out onto the deck and look down to find her frozen in the yard near the stairs. She’s standing completely still, as if trying to avoid detection by a loose Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Me: “What’s the matter, honey?”

Her: “There’s a spider right in front of the stairs.”

Me: “It’s just a spider. It won’t bother you.”

She shakes her head in disagreement before freezing in place again.

Me: “Just take a few steps back and go around it.”

Her: “It will move.”

Me: “What do you want me to do, then?”

Her: “Come get me!”

After some back-and-forth, it was clear she wasn’t going to move. So I walked down the stairs, picked her up and brought her inside. I saw no spider. Maybe it was a speck of dust.

Still the demands to go camping continue. This despite the following fears between the four of them:

1. Bugs. All Bugs. Especially flying bugs.

2. Thunder and lightning. Totally fair and pretty common for most kids.

3. Rain. Because it might also thunder. Also the sound of rain on the roof can sound like thunder.

4. Dogs. Big dogs, medium dogs, and even the tiny toy dog that lives next door. It yips.

5. Birds. I understand this one, actually. Birds can’t be trusted.

6. Grass. Because it contains bugs.

7. Dirt. More bugs.

8. The dark. Not unreasonable.

9. Flashlights. Because the older kids put it under the chins and make ghost sounds.

10. All sounds at night. Because they might be ghosts.

11. Fire. Campfires, matches, even candles on a birthday cake. If there’s smoke, there’s fear.

12. Bigfoot. This one is actually my fault.

So maybe we’ll just “camp” like most other lazy Americans and get an RV one day. Ooh, but two of the kids don’t like car rides, so… I hope there’s a good lineup on Disney+ this summer.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 3-9. He is tired He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com